You’re not incapable of being single.
I haven’t had the experience of exiting a
five-year relationship, but I have lots of
friends who have, and all of them have
followed this exact pattern: they cry for a
week, then they join a dating app for the
first time and feel like they’ve come out of a
coma; like they briefly touched death and
have been resurrected. They start obses-
sively chatting to a handful of people, and
when you see them they order an excess of
tequila-based cocktails and say things like: “I want to be
single for ever!” They go on their first date, they get on
well, have OK sex, then immediately try to make that
person their partner. It doesn’t work, they cry again, they
go on another date and the same thing happens. This goes
on for about a year until one of their dates relents and goes
out with them. Or they decide to commit to single life.
It makes sense that you’re craving a romantic partner. It
is all your mind and body has known for your entire adult
life. But wanting something because it’s familiar doesn’t
necessarily mean it’s right for us. There’s a phrase my
therapist says to me that I will pass on in this column free
of charge (because what is therapy if not a way of repur-
posing another person’s clinical training as your own
wisdom): “What got you here won’t get you there.” In
other words, being in a long-term relationship was right
for you until six months ago. But now it feels like you want
a different experience for this next phase of your life.
Now I’ve got to be careful here because I know I can get
a bit Eat Pray Love-y on the subject of spending time alone.
And I don’t want to unduly romanticise long-term
singledom, because it’s not for everyone and it does have
its challenges. It’s not all solo holidays and people-
watching in cafés, and perhaps I have overstated this in
my writing in the past. (A woman once said to me that her
friend was inspired by my memoir to live on her own
“surrounded by books and plants”. “She doesn’t even
read,” she muttered.) Alexandra CameronBut what I will say is this: in my late
twenties I decided to learn how to be on my
own. I’d been a lifelong commitment-dodger
and I decided to finally commit to myself.
It was the best decision I ever made. I used
to be obsessed with romantic love and, like
you, couldn’t imagine how life would be
stimulating without it. I have since gone not
months but whole years without dating. In
the years that I haven’t spent with a boyfriend,
inheriting his habits and taste, I have fully
come to understand my own. I know exactly how I like to
spend my weekend (Friday party, Saturday dinner, Sunday
cinema), what I always need in my cupboard (cornichons,
Tabasco, French mustard) and what time I like to go to bed
(11.45pm, with a ten-minute allowance to browse my saved
searches on the eBay app).
There are so many parts of myself that fill me with
doubt and loathing — my intellect, my appearance, my
knowledge of any history (why do they name centuries
weirdly?). But my independence brings me an enormous
sense of pride. To feel like you can be with yourself — that
you can keep yourself safe and be at peace in your own
company — I now believe is the greatest and quietest
confidence a human can know.
Allow me a little whimsical bullshit to finish: the key is
to externalise your spirit. Think of her as a friend or a twin
sister. A girl you’ve known your whole life who is going
to be with you until your last day on Earth. You do share
your life with someone. She is your eternal company.
Listen to her, nourish her, challenge her. Learn together.
Be in conversation with her always — remove her from
situations when she is unhappy and lean into pleasure
when that is what she wants. You will fall in love again and
experience romantic partnership. And then maybe again.
Then maybe again and again. And those relationships will
be so much better when you know you are choosing,
rather than need, to be in them. Learn to be with yourself
now. Your future self will thank you. ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleI am a 23-year-old woman who six months ago came out of a five-year relationship.
After a short mourning period I’ve spent the past few months jumping from fling to fling,
using dating apps to have a handful of micro relationships with men, only for them to
fizzle out and for me to be left feeling empty. When these flings end I feel an almost
unstoppable urge to get straight back on the apps and find another one, and the cycle
repeats. I am incapable of being single. The thought of spending Sundays on my own fills
me with dread, and even though I’ve been seeing loads more of my friends since the end
of my long-term relationship, I still feel lonely and miss sharing my life with someone.58 • The Sunday Times Style*