The Washington Post - USA (2022-05-26)

C4 EZ SU THE WASHINGTON POST.THURSDAY, MAY 26 , 2022

Adapted from an

online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:
Our only child, a
daughter in her
early 40s,
married, with
two young
children, recently told us she
had a polyamorous marriage.
She hinted about it frequently
for a year and then I asked her
directly. The issue seems to
have now completely dictated a
shallow level of communication
between us. She sent me a
bunch of articles to read about
the wonders of polyamory.
I know it’s none of my
business how they conduct
their marriage, but grave
misgivings fill my head and
heart. She is very sensitive to
anything that feels like
criticism and always has been
thin-skinned. The children are
pre-hormone so I assume this is
going undetected on their level.
She has told me I need to
practice acceptance.
I am concerned about the
future. We do whatever we can
to love and support the
grandchildren, but I don’t know

how to navigate the future with

the knowledge I have. My moral

compass says this isn’t right and

I see it as attention-seeking and

flawed, which I am probably

telegraphing indirectly. Like I

said, communication has

become very surface-level. Do

you have a direction for me?

— Concerned

Concerned: You treat her as

your daughter. Which means,

override your impulse to judge

her and navigate the future by

the usual standards. Care about

her, trust her to manage her

own life, and don’t offer advice

unless asked.

If it helps, I will take your key

sentence and reverse it: I know

grave misgivings fill your head

and heart, but it’s none of your

business.

She is wrong on one point for

sure; you don’t “need” to accept

anything, any more than she

“needs” to conduct her marriage

to your standards.

But if you feel your behavior

has to be in service of your

moral compass, then frame it

this way: IF your concerns for

the future are founded, then

your maintaining a solid

relationship with your daughter

and her children will be of

utmost importance.

And the path to a solid

relationship with your daughter

is, all together now: to care

about her, trust her to manage

her own life, and not offer

advice unless asked. I.e., wipe

the judgy off the face.

Hi Carolyn! Is there a non-

hurtful way to explain why I

“unfriended” someone on

Facebook? We have almost

nothing in common anymore.

Our friendship — formed when

our kids were in school — has

run its course. It seems these

folks and I hold different world/

political views. We used to be

close, but a lot has changed, and

I’ve had life events I kept off

Facebook that they know

nothing about.

I know it’s a slim possibility,

but they have a bully-ish vibe

and I can see them questioning

me. I’m stumped on a graceful

answer, especially considering I

will probably see them often.

We’re neighbors and have

mutual friends.

— Unfriend

Unfriend: I’m not even sure

how to answer this, because I

just can’t see someone you

already don’t interact with

much even noticing they’ve

been unfriended, and getting

exercised over it, and actually

saying something about it. This

can be hard even to notice when

the algorithms already make

some people disappear for their

own reasons.

But, okay: “Oh, I just

streamline my list when I don't

hear from people. No harm

intended.”

Re: Unfriending: Hide them or

put on some filters.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: For next time, yes.

Write to Carolyn Hax at

[email protected]. Get her

column delivered to your inbox each

morning at wapo.st/gethax.

 Join the discussion live at noon

Fridays at washingtonpost.com/live-

chats.

W orried about your daughter’s polyamorous marriage? It’s not your a≠air.

Carolyn
Hax

NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST

talk about mental illness, the

tragedy of the situation, the

individual characteristics of the

shooter, and the need for ‘safer

schools,’ ” Cassino said, noting

that “safer schools” usually

means arming teachers and se-

curity guards. “If I’m for gun

control, I will call for regulating

certain types of weapons and

particular types of ammunition.

The mentions of mental health

are usually about how Republi-

cans have gotten rid of funding

for mental health treatment.”

The tone of sorrow and weari-

ness may have been captured by

NBC News anchor Lester Holt

during his broadcast Tuesday

night, just a few hours after the

news from Texas broke. “The

funerals in Buffalo aren’t even

over yet and tonight, the families

of elementary schoolchildren

and teachers in Texas are faced

with the unthinkable, burying

their own,” Holt said on “NBC

Nightly News.”

“We have been here before:

Columbine, Sandy Hook, Marjo-

ry Stoneman Douglas,” he con-

tinued. “Now it’s Robb Elemen-

tary. Every time, every time, we

pray things are going to change,

that things are going to be differ-

ent. We search for motives, for

answers and for the way to make

sure these horrible scenes can

never happen again. Today’s

news is confirmation we have yet

to find those answers.”

Jeremy Barr and Sarah Ellison

contributed to this report.

ementary school where 26 peo-

ple were killed in 2012. While

conservative and liberal pundits

once seemed boggled by the

horror of a mass shooting, many

now seemed to retreat to well-re-

hearsed stances.

“If I’m against gun control, I

Daniel Cassino, a professor of

political science at Fairleigh

Dickinson University who has

studied the discussion of gun

control on cable news.

“The talking points have calci-

fied since Sandy Hook,” he said,

referring to the Connecticut el-

person tasked with telling this

story recognize the formula that

stands out, what does that mean

for how the audience is absorb-

ing the story?”

The commentary in reaction

to the shooting also unfolded

with a certain sameness, noticed

same thing with a story pub-

lished Wednesday on how to talk

to children about mass shoot-

ings.

“We’ve written this story too

many times,” the article began.

“Instead of writing a new one, we

are revamping tips we’ve com-

piled in the past about how to

talk to your kids about scary

things. This applies to this most

recent horrific shooting. We wish

we didn’t have to continually

reup these tips, but here we are.”

Martin, who co-host’s NPR’s

“Morning Edition,” said in an

interview that she has lost count

of the shootings she has covered.

Her first was as a reporter in

2007 when she covered the Vir-

ginia Tech shooting in which 32

people were killed and 17 injured

by a student gunman. She has

covered so many since then that

“it’s really telling that I can’t

even name to you all the shoot-

ings.”

Martin said NPR’s editorial

meetings after each of these

events features an all-too-famil-

iar checklist: Have we heard

from the victims’ families? What

is the public safety official in

charge saying about the suspect-

ed shooter? What about a local

clergy member who can talk

about how the community is

coming together? Who is cover-

ing the candlelight vigil?

“It’s all stuff that has to hap-

pen — these are important el-

ements of the story that have to

be represented — but you start

wondering to yourself... if I, as a

“Every single time, there is an
urgent need to represent the loss
in those communities and to
hear the stories of the victims’
families and the outrage, but it
has become this painful routine
that is just excruciating,” she
said, and paused, holding back
tears. “It’s hideous.”
News coverage of mass shoot-
ing has become so ritualized that
it was famously satirized by the
Onion newspaper in 2014. Head-
line: “ ‘No Way to Prevent This,’
Says Only Nation Where This
Regularly Happens.”
The Onion has republished
the parody more than 20 times
since, including last week and
then again Wednesday, when
every headline on the homepage
read: “No Way to Prevent This.”
In this case, satire isn’t all that
far from reality.
On May 16, the New York
Times published a partial list of
mass shootings, writing that “the
massacre in which 10 people
were killed in a Buffalo super-
market on Saturday was the
deadliest mass shooting in the
United States so far this year.”
This week, that piece had been
updated to reflect the new dead-
liest shooting of the year with
just a few word swaps: “elemen-
tary school” for “supermarket”;
“Uvalde, Tex.” for “Buffalo”; “10
people” for “19 children and two
teachers.”
The Washington Post ac-
knowledged it did much the

MEDIA FROM C1

‘We have been here before,’ NBC anchor Holt told viewers

SERGIO FLORES FOR THE WASHINGTON POST

Journalists gather Wednesday across the street from Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Tex., where a

day earlier a gunman fatally shot 19 students and two adults.

THEATRE

World Premiere

in Spanishwith

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$45-$65

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3333 14thStreet, NW

202-234-7174

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The love storyof aCuban-Americancouplewho conquered

the musicalcharts,Broadwayand the AmericanDream with

theirirresistiblerhythm.

ThruJune 5

Thurs–Sat at 8pm

Sun at 2pm

ON YOURFEET!

La historiade Emilioy

GloriaEstefan¡

EN ESPAÑOL!

MUSIC-CONCERTS

Ticketsarerequired

(but free). Theyare

availablein advance

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first-servedat the

door.

Free

TerraceTheaterof the JohnF.

KennedyCenterfor the

PerformingArts

WashingtonDC

FMMC.org/WIC2022

Join us for the 2022WashingtonInternational

Competitionas six world-classmusicianscompete

for almost$50,000in cashprizes,includingthe

interactiveaudienceprize—awarded by you! Judges:

AnnieFullard(violin),DanielFoster(viola),and Emilio

Colon(cello).Featuringthe SunriseQuartetperforming

the winningcompositionsfrom the WIC for Compostion.

Sunday,May 29

at 2:00pm

The FMMCFoundation

Presents:

2022 WIC for

Stringsand

Composition:

Finals!

OPERA

Pleasecheck

websitefor

up-to-date

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$30-110

KennedyCenter’s

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2700 FStreet, NW,

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GuestConductorPedroMemelsdorffexplores the

complicateddynamicsbetweenthe musicalcultureof

imperialFranceand the peopleof the Caribbean.

Well-knownFrenchcomposersfrom the 18thcenturyand

newlyrediscovered worksarerepresentedin this

orchestralconcertwith vocalsoloistsand ensemble.

Sunday,June 12, 2022,

7:30p.m.

ConcertSpirituel

aux Caraïbes

Musicfrom the Caribbean

FrenchColonies

Pleasecheck

websitefor

up-to-date

COVIDsafety

protocols.

$30-135

KennedyCenter’s

TerraceTheater

2700 FStreet, NW,

Washington,DC 20029

(202)546-9332

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ArtisticDirectorRyanBrown and filmmakerTania

HernandezVelascopresentafully-stagedmodern

premiereofGrétry’s1770 Silvain like it’snever been

seenbefore. Set in the 19thcenturyAmerican

Southwest,the storyexplores timelesstalesof afather

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strugglesoverland rightsin America.

Thursday,June 2&Friday,

June3, 7:30p.m.

Gretry’s

Silvain

Ticketssold online

$40 and at the door

BenderJewishCommunityCenter

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Info and ticketlink at:

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FeaturingRobertMcGinness,Baritone,and dancersfrom

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KaterinaSouvorova on piano.Sungin Germanwith English

supertitles.

FridayMay 27 at 7:30pm

SUNMay 29 at 3pm

FranzSchubert’s

Die schöne

Müllerin

(The Fair Maidof the Mill)

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