TOM JACKSON, BEN CARPENTER68 The Times Magazine
So then I went back to Google and scrolled
down to the second entry, which, to my relief,
read, “Apricity, the latest restaurant from
Chantelle Nicholson on Duke Street, in Mayfair,”
which was just what I was looking for.
“Apricity symbolises regeneration, warmth,
generosity and light...” the entry went on,
suggesting briefly that I had accidentally
flicked back to the fertility clinic. But a further
click showed me not more canoodling couples,
but Chantelle Nicholson in chef’s whites, with
her hair tied back and a big smile, juggling
sweetcorn in a ploughed field. Which, now
I think of it, would do equally well as the front
page of a fertility website.
Food, farming, seeds, sex, ploughing,
cooking, birth, eating... They’re all part of
the same big story, after all. Which is no doubt
why Apricity the restaurant has now taken
out a (no doubt expensive) Google advert
that places it, for the time being, above
Apricity, the fertility clinic, and should
reassure confused customers. But only those
who take notice of paid entries at the top of
the page (which I generally don’t). I can see
why they’re doing it, but I do hope it doesn’t
merely confuse a different set of googlers
and fill the restaurant with people who were
looking for the other Apricity and arrive
hoping this one can do more for their chances
of conceiving than restaurants generally do,
which is to say, get them pissed and send them
home feeling cuddly.
There was no chance of that for me,
however, because I went with my old friend
Jim, who wouldn’t have got pregnant however
long we cuddled for. Because he’s too old. AndEating out Giles Coren
f you type “Locanda Locatelli” into
Google, you will get, as your top
result, “Locanda Locatelli is one of
the finest Michelin-starred restaurants
in London, noted as much for its
conviviality as the quality of its food,”
with a link to the restaurant.
If you type “Sexy Fish”, you will get
“Sexy Fish is an Asian restaurant in Mayfair,
serving Japanese-inspired sushi, seafood and
fish,” and a link to the restaurant.
If you google “Apricity”, however, which
I did ahead of my lunch visit last week,
just for directions, you will get, “Apricity- a warmer, more empowering fertility
experience. Apricity is fertility care your
way, maximising chances of success by giving
you the best fertility journey possible.” Which
is no doubt just what some people are looking
for on a Wednesday morning, but was no use
to me as a) what I wanted to maximise my
chances of was lunch, and b) I have already
had the best fertility journey possible: 25 years
of aimless shagging followed by a couple of
pot shots at the woman of my dreams that
resulted in two small humans who are not
totally appalling all of the time.
Clicking on the link, I came to a photo of a
good-looking couple cuddling and learnt that
Apricity is “the next-generation fertility clinic”,
which struck me as tautological, because “next
generation” is surely what all fertility clinics are.
I
‘Remember when I scored
places for sustainability?
Where I led, others
followed. Now we have the
zer0-waste tasting menu’
Apricity