4 LISTENER JUNE 1 2019

LETTERS

SOL

AC

AFTER SU E

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just as much attention.
My brother took his life
in Melbourne in 2012 and I
have to be honest and say, yes,
there has been more than one
occasion since when, for that
and other related reasons, I
thought about doing the same.
Fortunately, memories of the
immediate aftermath of my
brother’s death always arose
and logic prevailed.
One of the people quoted
in the story said it’s the worst
kind of death, with all the
uncomfortable emotions
that come with it, in no
particular order and with a
timeline seemingly entirely
of their own making. I agree.
I remember thinking at the
time, there’s nothing worse
than this and I’m not prepared
for this. How can you be? It’s
not the sort of club you ever
want to belong to, yet the
sad truth is no one else can
Facing up to suicide
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Might I add another note to
the timely feature on suicide
(“Hope after grief”, May 25).
I have been a funeral director
and celebrant for 31 years and
in that time I have officiated at
many farewells for people who
had taken their own lives.
They are sombre occa-
sions, whatever the age of the
deceased, though they’re often
lightened by amusing stories
from their past. But for me,
one thing is paramount: an
open and honest acknowledge-
ment of the suicide. And with
that, never being judgmental
or condemnatory, but always
compassionate and tactful.
The hardest thing, from
time to time, however, is to
comply with a family’s insist-
ence that suicide must not be
mentioned. This is usually to
avoid the shame and stigma
they are sure will follow, or
because they want to protect
a family member who they
think will not be able to cope
with the truth.
With social media – and
even the old bush telegraph

• almost everyone attending
  the funeral will know already.
  Not to confront the elephant
  in the room (“unexpected”,
  “sudden”, “totally unfore-
  seen”) fools no one – and
  people wonder why the cele-
  brant doesn’t say what they
  mean.

More importantly, in such

circumstances, the bereft

family have often made up

a story to explain the death.

They then have to live with

that falsehood, if not for ever,

at least until the inquest report

is published.

That’s when they lose their

own credibility, and also the

trust of whoever they were

shielding from reality.

Several times recently, I

have not asked permission of

the next of kin if I can speak

openly of the cause of death

• because it seems certain that
  they will say no. It’s a possible
  breach of ethics I am prepared
  to risk.
  And when, in the funeral
  service, I talk of the person
  choosing to end their own
  life, and of the devastation for
  every one that suicide brings,
  the emotional relief is palpa-
  ble. The elephant vanishes.
  Coming to terms with a
  death by suicide takes time,
  hard work and courage.
  Naming it for what it is at
  a farewell gathering gives
  everyone involved permission
  to grieve honestly and to sup-
  port the bereft without masks.
  That in itself is healing and
  liberating.
  I would urge any family
  having to deal with the suicide
  of one of their own to have
  the courage to be real.
  Norm Murray
  (Browns Bay, Auckland)
  LETTER OF THE WEEK

The suicide story appeared in

the same week that the mental

health unit of Waitemata

District Health Board again

failed in its basic duty of care

to protect its patients from self-

harm. As a result, in this week,

two mentally ill people in its

care died.

For me and my family, these

events are freighted with the

most horrible of recollections

of the death in 2000 of a son

and brother, by suicide, under

similar circumstances while

under the DHB’s care. We

received acknowledgements

from the DHB of its negligence

and compensation for funeral

expenses. We were given

assurances that the systems

for providing suicide watch

of mental patients would be

overhauled and improved.

But as subsequent deaths

prove, talk is cheap.

The inquests into these

latest deaths must ensure that

blame is attributed where it

lies and criminal prosecutions

of the people responsible are

seriously considered. Anything

less than the use of all avail-

able sanctions will ensure such

tragedies continue to occur.

(Name and address withheld)

The narrative will continue

to change the more we report

on suicide, as the Listener has

done over the years. Please

keep it up. This does not, as

the doom-and-gloom mer-

chants believe, encourage

suicide and suicidal behaviours

or thoughts, or glorify it in any

way.

As a society, we must have

honest and open dialogue

about suicide. And – hooray -

someone has finally made the

connection of “postvention”

being something that warrants

The winner receives a

copy of Homemade,

a collection of Kiwi

Eleanor Ozich’s

recipes for everything

from mayonnaise

to lip balm.

Letter of the week

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