ReadersDigestAustraliaNewZealand-April2018

70 | April• 2018

A SCARY SYMPATHY

M

Y MUM’S ABOUT TO

have spinal surgery.

There’s an illusion of

choice about it: one

consultant suggested

she should have it immediately, while

another said she had “acres of time” to

make up her mind. (When pushed, he

said she shouldn’t leave it untreated

for more than six months.)

The operation – a lumbar decom-

pression – is relatively straightfor-

ward, in spinal surgery terms, but

does carry a risk of paralysis, as does

any intervention around those nerves.

If she opted not to have the procedure,

though, there would be a chance of

eventually becoming confined to a

wheelchair anyway. So, surgery it is.

Friends and family have reacted

to this news predictably, offering

up chicken soup and platitudes, but

also surprisingly, by talking in such

negative terms that Mum has come

to label the encounters “psycholog-

ical theft”. his conversational crime

is motivated by compassion, but can

have devastating consequences, and

is usually committed by accident.

It occurs when – by thoughtlessly

reflecting their own negative expe-

riences – other people hijack your

anxiety and put themselves in it,

rather than provide relief from it.

I’LLGIVEYOUANEXAMPLE.Last

weekMumwenttothepostoffice

andbumpedintoGeof(nothisreal

name), who works for the local travel

agent. “How are you?” he asked.

“Not great,” she replied. “I’ve been

having some trouble with my back

and I’m going to need surgery.”

“Oh, GOD!” he responded. “The

back is the most dangerous place to

operate. My mum had that and she

was in terrible pain. Make sure you

get all your afairs in order before you

go under the knife – it takes months

to get over it!”

Now, Geoff ’s intention had been

benign. He’d relayed his own mother’s

story to show sympathy, ie, demon-

strating his knowledge that chronic

back pain is nasty. He’d also wanted

to show empathy – to articulate that

Mum is hardly the only person to have

sufered with this condition, and she

needn’t feel alone. As he walked away,

Geof was probably thinking:I’ve just

related on a personal level to this

panic-stricken woman. I’ve told her a

story about someone I know who ex-

perienced similar obstacles and came

through alive. Well done, Geof, you’re

quite the man! You’re getting a bubble

bath tonight!Needless to say, this was

not Mum’s takeaway from Geof. She

heard: pain, danger, knife, months.

Astonishingly, another acquaint-

ance reacted to Mum’s predicament

by actually reeling off statistics for

unsuccessful back surgery. I can’t

begin to fathom how this could be

considered a helpful contribution,

frankly – but, if I’m being charita-

ble, perhaps it was his way of saying,

“You’re right to be concerned, yes;