Empire UK

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¡THREE

AMIGOS!

1986

In 1916 a trio of

idiotic actors think

they’ve been hired

to put on a show

in Mexico but the

bullets are real. See

also: Galaxy Quest

A Bug’s Life.

EXT. JUNGLE — DAY

Tugg Speedman: You know there

were times when I was doing Jack

that I actually felt retarded. Like

really retarded.

Kirk Lazarus: Damn.

Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort

of just free myself up to believe that it

was okay to be stupid or dumb.

Lazarus: To be a moron.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lazarus: To be moronical.

Speedman: Exactly. To be a moron.

Lazarus: An imbecile.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lararus: Like the dumbest

motherfucker that ever lived.

Speedman: When I was playing

the character.

Lazarus: When you was the character.

Speedman: Yeah. I mean as Jack.

Definitely.

Lazarus: Yeah Jack. Stupid-ass Jack.

Speedman: By the end of the whole

thing I was like “Wait a minute.” You

know? I flushed so much out — how

am I going to jump-start it up again?

It’s just like... (Exhales)

Lazarus: Yeah.

Speedman: Yeah right.

Lazarus: You was farting in bathtubs

and laughing your ass off. (Grunts)

Speedman: Yeah. I mean it was really

quite a... It was crazy.

Lazarus: It’s like working with mercury.

It’s high science man. It’s an art form.

Speedman: Yeah.

Lazarus: You an artist.

Speedman: It’s what we do right?

Lazarus: Yeah. Hats off for going there

especially knowing how the Academy is

about that shit. (Clears throat)

Speedman: About what?

Lazarus: You’re serious? You don’t

know? Everybody knows you never

go full retard.

Speedman: What do you mean?

Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin

Hoffman Rain Man. Look retarded

act retarded not retarded. Count

toothpicks cheat at cards. Autistic sure.

Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks

Forrest Gump. Slow yes retarded

maybe braces on his legs. But he

charmed the pants off Nixon and he

won a ping-pong competition. That

ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers Being

There. Infantile yes. Retarded no.

(Beat) You went full retard man.

Never go full retard. You don’t buy

that? Ask Sean Penn. 2001 I Am Sam.

Remember? Went full retard went

home empty-handed.

“NEVER GO FULL RETARD.”

Tropic

Thunder

SET TING THE SCENEWhen not detonating
massive explosions (including the
biggest in cinema history until it was
topped by Spectre) Ben Stiller’s 2008
comedy is squarely about lampooning
the unfettered egos of Hollywood folk.
Here fading action star Tugg Speedman
(Stiller) and blacked-up Method actor
Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.)
discuss the ins and outs of awards-
bait performances.

154

EDITOR’S NOTE

“This scene makes my son

laugh a lot and I have to confess

I love it too. The look on Ben Stiller’s

face when he realises he made the

terri l.