Most of all, confronting such situations with
courage gives you fresh insights into your own
power and abilities, building your emotional and
intellectual muscle, and infusing you with new
confidence.
All of life and relationships are conversations
The art of life and the art of conversations are
related. Your success in life depends a great
deal on your ability to be able to have these
conversations, as they crop up in all spheres
of life—personal and professional, at varying
levels of hierarchy and power. Imagine a well-
meaning mother-in-law who insists on sharing
the personal-conversation time between you and
your spouse. How will you handle the situation
with sensitivity and care, as well as ensuring
that the message goes across?
Difficult conversations are a very normal part
of life! In fact, they are given to us so that we
may learn and grow in the direction we need to.
The four truths of difficult conversations
A difficult conversation is mostly about breaking
bad news or bringing to someone’s notice his
flaws or mistakes. And it’s never easy because
people always bring up their defences, have a
meltdown, or counter-accuse when faced with a
situation like this. A difficult conversation involves
facing the ‘heat’ from the opposite party and still
being in an open, non-defending, accepting, and
negotiating space. Needless to say, it requires a
high-level of maturity from the one engaging in it.
Secondly, let us also factor in the possibility
that our judgement of a person may be our own
perception. And while trying to cut through the
chaos, we might end up discovering our own
shortcomings as seen through the eyes of the
other.
Thirdly, it is very important to create an
environment of trust, appreciation, respect, and
understanding while trying to have a difficult
conversation so that both parties can relax and
end up finding a mutually agreeable solution.
Fourthly, half of the conversation is done
by your vibes and energy. Therefore, if you
approach the situation with a heart full of love,
instead of anger and judgement, you will have a
greater edge while engaging with the situation.
However, there are certain fundamentals to
breaking through a difficult conversation.What we can’t and can change
No matter how skilled we become, there are
certain challenges, that we can’t change during
the course of a difficult conversation. We will
still run into situations where untangling ‘what
happened’ is more complicated than we initially
suspect. We will each have information the
other person is unaware of, and raising each
other’s awareness is not easy. We will still
face emotionally charged situations that feel
threatening because they put important aspects
of our identity at risk. What we can change is the
way we respond to each of these challenges. By
understanding the errors and the havoc they
wreak, we can begin to craft better approaches.
Says Nisha Kothari, an author and life skill
coach based in New Delhi, “Recently, a relative of
mine who had borrowed money from a common
friend was reminded to repay it by my elderly
father. This conversation happened over the
phone with complete politeness. Yet, the relative
retaliated with anger and aggression. He
accused my father of humiliating them in vitriolic
terms. And when I tried to play the referee
between my father and my relative, both of them
had their own version and understanding of
what had actually happened over the phone.
Nobody seemed willing to relent, accept their
mistake, whether real or perceived, or tried
mending the situation. In the end, I took into
account the feelings of both the sides, explained
the scenario to each of them, without creating
heroes or villains in the story, and managed
some form of a compromise. Yet, I do realise
that basically, the anger was a projection of
the borrower’s own sense of helplessness and
weakness, and that it was useless to take things
personally.”Relationships^77