Thus has it ever been.
When I put a fob into my jeans
pocket it sits there like a fossilised
rodent and grinds into my delicate
upper thigh. It absolutely ruins the cut
DQGÀWRIP\MHDQVDQGLQWKHULJKW
light, makes it look like I have some
kind of groinal tumour on my pelvis.
If I crash, the fob will doubtlessly
rend my upper-leg arteries with jagged
plastic. If I get it wet (and I have
been known to get very wet riding a
motorcycle) I’m pretty sure I won’t
be riding the bike the fob belongs to
anywhere.
“So put the fob in your jacket-
pocket, stupid!”
No. The fob does not belong in my
jacket pocket. It’s too important to
commit to a large pocket I might leave
unzipped (I do that with frightening
regularity), have it fall out, then
have the bike stop in the middle of
nowhere, and then I run off into the
scrub screaming and tearing at my
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No. The fob must live in my jeans
pocket. So I can touch it from time
to time and reassure myself it is still
there. But it cannot live in my jeans
pocket because it is too large to
live in my jeans pocket.
So the options for the
IRE DUH DV IROORZV«
I can tie it around my neck on
a leather thong.
I can duct-tape it to the tank.
I can hold it in my mouth
as I ride.
I can shelve it like
a prisoner
smuggling
drugs
into his
cell.FOB ME OFF
I
’M NOT SUREZKRWKHÀUVW
offender was. It might have
been Harley. It might have been
BMW. It might have been Ducati. It
might have been Indian.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter. The
fob genie is out of the fob bottle,
and heaving poo-covered rocks of
IREE\GLVSOHDVXUHWKURXJKWKHRIÀFH
windows of Milwaukee, Munich,
Bologna or Spirit Lake is not going to
put him back.
Still, I do wish I was at the meeting
when some doubtlessly car-driving
genius touted the idea of introducing
keyless ignition to the company’s
motorcycle range. Presumably
because his company car had keyless
ignition and he liked it, and obviously
something so modern and wizard-
OLNHDQGHYHQ«OLNHH[FOXVLYHZRXOG
assist customers in making the
decision to buy the bike.
I would have punched him. Over and
over. And then taken a chair to him.
Proper old school style.
How is this fob rubbish better than
having a key? What advantages does it
offer over using a key?
I am unable to identify a single one.
And I have tried.
My wife has a car which has a
fob. Beaut thing. She loves it. It’s all
very modern.
I don’t hate it. You press a button
on the fob, the car unlocks itself, you
get in, toss the fob in the console (or
in your handbag if you’re a woman or
a man who uses handbags), press the
ignition button and off you go.
On a bike it’s a bit different.
Most bike fobs don’t have buttons
to press. They do have an inbuilt
proximity sensor, so when the fob is
near the bike, all the rider has to do
is thumb the starter button and ride
RII([FHSWKHÀUVWKDVWRSXW WKH
fob in his pocket.
And that’s when it all goes to Hell.
I am a creature of ancient and
proven habits. My bike key, when
it’s not sitting in the bike’s ignition,
goes into my left-hand jeans pocket.I can make my wife put it in her
handbag and take her everywhere
with me.
Or, and this is my favourite, I can
take a hammer and smash the cruddy,
plastic gimmick into a thousand
recyclable pieces.
Yes, I know. It’s such a little thing you
say. Why are you getting all Bolshevik
about such a wonderful piece of
modern technology?
Well, it’s not “such a little thing”.
It’s quite a sizeable thing which
makes me uncomfortable and
unhappy when I must wedge it into a
pocket, then ward and nurture it like
it’s some kind of Precious.
Secondly, while it’s certainly
a wonderful piece of modern
technology, it’s a completely
unnecessary piece of modern
technology for a bike.
There was nothing ever wrong with
the ignition key paradigm. Key in bike
when bike is running. Key in pocket
when bike is not running.
It was a paradigm that didn’t need
to be updated. It did certainly did
not need to be replaced by
some gimmicky chunk of
electronic wank-plastic
dreamed up by some
ÀWWHGSDQWVSRUWLQJ
throb-jockey keen
to make a name for
himself with
his bosses.
Talk about solving a
problem that never
existed.DBORIS