FISHER: ERIC KORENMAN/L5STUDIO.COM. BALLOON: MARIJA MANDIC/STOCKSY132 glamour.comi
skipped work the day after I got dumped (in a
Panera Bread, no less) because I felt physically
ill from the ordeal. But a day later I was fine,
if a little prone to weeping. Sure, I was gut-
ted by my sudden breakup, but I wasn’t really
worried about my future: I would heal better
than a friggin’ starfish, I told myself; I would
become, to borrow from Fiona Apple, a better
version of me. I was going to pull a Breakfast at Tiffany’s
and have a tiara, a fancy cigarette, and a dog named Dog
(I don’t like cats). I was going to be JUST FINE.
And I was. But the world didn’t seem to think so: Little
did I know, that day in the Panera, that I was about to
enter four years of real-life quarantine because I
had been infected with a dreadful ailment—
SINGLEDOM!! And you’d think it was
contagious: For countless dinners, wed-
dings, and holidays to follow, I would
be seated in life’s equivalent of the
sick-patient waiting area at the
doctor’s office. My acupuncturist
even said to me, seriously, that
I probably wouldn’t feel truly
OK again until I found some-
one new. Things were looking
bleak, even in the opinion of
medical professionals.
Despite all that, I f lew solo
for four great years. I learned to
ignore the looks, the comments,
the over-the-top sympathy. It wasn’t
until I met my now boyfriend, James,
that I got infuriated all over again. After
I updated my relationship status, the Face-
book kudos poured in: “You deserve it!” “Good
for you, it’s brutal out there!” It was as if I’d kicked
meth or gotten my Ph.D. For weeks people showered me
with praise and well wishes, and just like that, I wasn’t a
sad mutt in the pound any longer.
OK, world. We are in the year 2016 here. It’s crazy
t hat we st i ll live in a cu lt ure t hat sees less va lue in a sin-
gle woman’s contributions than in those of a woman who
has chosen a sexual and emotional teammate. Being in a
relationship (my current one gets two thumbs up so far!)
can be beautiful and come with moments that will takeyour breath away, but guess what? So can single life. In
the four years I spent as a single woman, I achieved more
t ha n I ha d i n my ent i re a du lt l i fe up u nt i l t hat poi nt. I’m
not talking, “I read 47 books and watched every episode
of Dance Moms.” This was real: I started an acclaimed
podc a st w it h my c omedy pa r t ner, wa s sig ned t o t he big-
g e s t t a lent a g enc y i n t he world , app e a r e d on T V mu lt iple
times, got out of debt, lost weight, became a happier
person.... I mean, I gave a f--king TED Talk. As a single
woman I became, just as I had promised myself, a better
version of me. And it was the first time in my life that I
k new exactly what I wanted to contr ibute to the world.
I was more emotionally whole than ever before. I was
whole...solo. Damn!
I was succeeding so much that, when I met
Ja me s , I w a s a c t u a l l y k i nd o f a n no y e d. W hy
did the cosmos send me someone so won-
derful in the middle of my career hot
streak? (Also: Where had Cupid
been all those weekends I was eat-
ing Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak
pizza and Netf lix- ing Californi-
cation because masturbation
isn’t really my thing?)
Listen, I’m certainly not hop-
ing James dumps me in a
Quiznos, but the facts about sin-
gle life should not be classified
any longer. I suppose the reason
for all the shade is that as long as
we keep straight, single women
questioning their value, men will
always be a hot commodity and the fam-
ily unit will remain safe and sound. But the
truth is this: Being single isn’t better or worse
than being in a relationship. It’s just different. I love
James and am grateful that someone came into my life
who is dry-witted, unapologetically himself, and able to
recognize that the fast-food chain with the best Diet Coke
is definitely McDonald’s, but every now and then, I ref lect
on t hat t i me I went t o see Spring Breakers alone on a Fri-
day night. It was great—both my elbows had armrests.Corinne Fisher is a comedian and cohost of Guys We
F--ked: The Anti Slut-Shaming Podcast.E v e r y o n e C a l m D o w n A b o u t
My Being Single, Please
Corinne Fisher is tired of all your outdated pity.
Life / The Provocateur
Why was everyone celebrating
the second I coupled up?