WILLIAM CALL AN/CONTOUR BY GET T Y IMAGES144 glamour.comTa l k / In My Opinion
How I Survived the Worst
Depression of My Life
Rachel Bloom, TV’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, opens up about the anxiety that told
her she would fail—during a milestone year. As told to Emily Mahaneyantidepressants numb you out;
that didn’t happen to me.
The thing that has most
aided me through my anxiety
and depression is realizing I’m
not alone. I’m naturally bubbly,
even when I’m sad. But here’s
what people can’t see: During
a spiral the world feels dark.
I have anxiety about anxiety,
then I worry the anxiety will
ruin my life. It’s a snake-eats-
tail loop. But in opening up to
others, I found a lot of people
have felt the same way.
My psychiatrist has also
helped me realize that not every
thought needs to be indulged—
some are nonsense. When I’m
about to engage in an anxiety
spiral, it feels like I’m balancing
at the edge of a pool, and if I dip
my toe into the nonsense, I fall
i n. S o I h av e t o s t ay b a l a nc e d.
To help me do that, I’ve
gotten into meditating. Yes,
meditating. Meditating has
helped me to focus on the present and to
not see every great thing as my thing to f--k
up. I used to feel like, “OK, this good thing
is happening; it’s yours to lose.” With this
show, though, every day is so high stakes
that I would crumble if I thought that way.
So I try to say to myself, “Hey, you only live
once. Go along for the ride. Do your best.”
It’s been a few years since that first
session, and I’m in a good place. I’m not
dealing with depression alone anymore.
My p s yc h i at r i s t i s on my t e a m. S o i s A l i ne.
Most important, so is my husband. He
doesn’t try to diminish or “solve” my anx-
iety; he says, “That sounds horrible. I’m so
s or r y. W h a t do y ou ne e d f r om me now? ”
And when I’m tired, I just fall asleep.Rachel Bloom is a cocreator and the star
of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, back October 21.i
n the pilot episode of
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,
my character Rebecca
googles, “How long c a n
a person go without
sleep?” It may seem
like a weird thing to look up,
but that scene was inspired by
me at my ver y worst. Rebecca
is depressed, and as my co-
creator, Aline Brosh McKenna,
and I were writing that epi-
sode, the anxiety and depres-
sion that had invaded my own
brain like an alien when I was a
k id c a me b a c k i n f u l l f or c e.
It all started with one sleep-
less night: Aline and I were
pitching the show to networks
the next day. In my head, this
was my chance to “make it,”
which hinged on my perform-
ing in those meetings. I had a
friend staying over, and sud-
denly it was midnight. I said to
myself, “Oh, you stupid bitch!
Go to bed. You have a pitch in
the morning!” I didn’t sleep for a second
that night. By the time I met Aline the next
day, I looked like I had been hit by a truck.
That started a spiral. Every night before
a pitch that week, I had sleep anxiety. I
became delirious—and afraid that I wasn’t
sleeping; ergo I would ruin everything.
But t he la ck of re s t d id n’t r u i n t he pit che s,
a nd I w a s g o o d a t c ov e r i ng up my a n x ie t y.
A few weeks after these meetings, my
boyfriend proposed. Previously, when we
had dated long-distance, I feared that our
relationship would fail, and then every
time I saw him, I thought about that anx-
iety. So on this amazing night, my sleep
anxiety combined with my old relation-
ship anxiety, and all I could think was,
Don’t be anxious—if you think about anxi-
ety today, you’re going to associate anxiety
with your husband for the rest of your life.All this time I was trying to hide my
feelings. Aline didn’t realize how dark it
got; even with my boyfriend I struggled to
articulate how bad it was on the inside.
So I was in this perfect storm—with the
show, which by this time was a pilot, and
the engagement—and then something
happened with my birth control. The com-
p a n y s e n t m e t h e s a m e P i l l f r o m a d i f f e r e n t
manufacturer, which shouldn’t affect peo-
ple but affected me. I went from feeling
anxious to sinking into the worst depres-
sion of my life. I needed help.
I had gone to therapists, but for the first
time I sought out a psychiatrist. In his
office I finally felt safe. I told him every-
thing. Each session improved my life. He
diagnosed me with low-grade depression
and put me on a small amount of Prozac.
There’s a stereotype (I had believed) that“During a spiral I have anxiety about anxiety,” says
Bloom, 29. “It’s a snake-eats-tail loop.”