PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL SUESSE/BAUER. STYLING BY CHARLOTTA BACKLUND. HAIR AND MAKEUP BY MIRIAM NICHTERLEIN/UNION MANAGEMENT.
MARKY WEARS
DRESS BY RUBY SEES ALL
it’s some kind of crazy, runaway science
experiment. But damn, if it isn’t the best
science experiment that ever there was.
In fact, let’s do it again!A GUITAR STRING
Other times, the big O is like a guitar
string. As you tune it, it gets tighter
and tighter. You can feel the pressure
build as you tweak it. It’s like someone’s
winding that thing with a winch. Did
someone let a sailor in here? How is this
happening?! And then SNAP. It breaks.
You’d think that would be a bad thing,
but no – the release is incredible. Beyond
incredible. You had no idea how tense
everything was until it was liberated by
the aforementioned snappage. Who knew
such pleasure could come from just the
tightening of a string? In fact, where
can I get more strings? Do they make
battery-operated strings? It’s a positively
lyrical thrill. Now you understand why
he said he knew you’d make beautiful
music together... He is wise.RIDING A BIKE
So, you’re riding a bicycle up a hill, right- nothing to write home about. But after
a while, you hit your stride and step it
up a gear. Now we’re talking. You can
feel the burn and it feels good. You’re
climbing that hill like there’s an all-
expenses-paid date with Ryan Gosling
at the top. Sure, your thighs are starting
to cramp up and you can feel a little bit
of chafing going on, but damn it if you
aren’t going to get to the finish line.
You grit your teeth and push through
the pain – the end is near! And then
you’re there, you’re at the top. Only it’s
not the top... there’s a little extra cliff
you didn’t see and you climb that, too.
HOLY MACARONI, THIS IS THE
BEST RIDE OF YOUR LIFE! And
then suddenly you can relax – it’s all
downhill from here, my friend. Totally
worth letting that bike buy you three
mojitos at the bar.A GAME OF BINGO
Sometimes, sex is like bingo. There are
a certain number of boxes you have to
tick, before you can yell “bingo” and
everyone can go home. Foreplay: that’s
a box. Getting undressed is usually a
box, too. Your actual box: definitely
one that needs attention. Tick off all the
boxes in the right order and before you
know it you’ve just got that one box
left. You can feel the anticipation. You
hover over it with your marker, knowing
your time is coming. If all your stars
align, you’ll take this thing out. You
know it’s a gamble but you’re willing to
go all in. And then it happens. BINGO!
The elation. The joy. The rush of the
win! There’s nothing like it. The prize
is yours and mama needs a new pair of
shoes. And a cuddle. And a shower.THAT ONE SNEEZE
Oh yeah, you know the one. That rare
mo’fo’ of a bodily function that for some
unknown reason gets stuck in your nose
and won’t come out no matter what you
do. It just sits there, dormant, teasing
you with its latent energy. Is it going to
come out or is it going to disappear into
the ether from which it came? You don’t
know. But, damn, if it isn’t the most achy,
frustrating feeling in the world. Then,
out of nowhere, when you least expect it- BOOM. It explodes out of your face
with abandon. You can’t do anything to
stop it. It’s the most glorious release and
you can’t wait till your vagina does it
again! I mean, face. Ahem. #
5
QUESTIONS
I HAVE FOR...
PRINGLESAlso, did the guy who invented the packaging
really have his ashes buried in a Pringles
can?! ’Cos that’s even more awesome.Explain why you ever
made White Chocolate
Peppermint Pringles?!Why does everyone else seem to be able
to make use of the resealable container
but I just eat the whole can in one sitting?Is it true you were originally
called Newfangled Potato
Chips? ’Cos that’s awesome.Are you aware
there are roughly 254
Pringle can DIYs on
Pinterest? True story.COSMOPOLITAN June 2015 25
only in cosmo