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LIFE
Fruit cake
Sometimes life can suck. Like fruit cake. It doesn’t teach
us anything about anything but I thought I’d include
it in this cake/life review to make it more balanced.
Fruit cake always seems to come out of its baking cave
at Christmas or after dinner at your grandparents’
house. No-one under 60 enjoys a piece of it and if
anyone says, “Because it’s got fruit in it, it’s better for
you” slap them in the face for me (don’t slap the elderly
or your parents, they won’t like that). It’s by far my
least favourite cake. Which is why I’ve left it until last.
Fruit cake’s main purpose on this earth is to remind
us that when you take the sweet things out of it, it’s
boring and bland. So fill your life with the stuff you
want, lick the bowl and forget the recipe. You may
not get perfect results but you will have risen. gOrange and poppy seed
What a weird cake. Whoever came up with this one must’ve
been one pretty kooky cook. Until you have a taste of it, you
would never expect oranges and poppy seed to go together
in a confectionery carb pile. But once this cake makes contact
with your tongue, it sends your taste buds into a total frenzy.
It’s fitting, then, that my parents, who are completely
different in every way, introduced me to it. Opposites DO
attract. My mum travelled all the way from Lebanon to live
in Australia after she met my dad. Despite their opposing
personalities and their major cultural and religious differences,
they’ve managed to stay together for more than 25 years!
I’ve certainly learnt that embracing the things that make
us all unique is a much more exciting way to live life.
Choc-chip muffin
I know it’s not a cake but I’d be a fool not to include
this tasty classic. I’m a sucker for a fresh-out-of-the-oven
chocolatey muffin. Most recesses at school, you’d catch
me burying my face in one. So you’d understand why
I was annoyed when the canteen made my beloved
daily treat $1.50 more expensive. I suddenly had no
money for lunch and had to resort to scabbing coin
off whoever I could. After a day or two, I decided I’d
had enough... so I organised a school-wide boycott
of the canteen. Everyone agreed with me that it was
an outrageous price hike, and committed to one day
of zero canteen purchases.
Then things got way out of hand.
The Age and Herald Sun decided to
do a story on our canteen rebellion
(I may or may not have sent them
a press release). My principal
then immediately brought
my revolutionary friendship
group into his office to
negotiate new prices and
we settled a deal with him
a day out from the boycott.
It’s still the greatest victory
of my youth. From that day
forth, I was known as The
Muffin Man. Not really, but
POWER TO THE FLOUR!
Sticky date pudding
There’s nothing better than sticky date pudding. On the other
hand, there’s nothing worse than going on dates. They make
me nervous as hell. No matter how full of confidence you are,
it’s always a little awkward and you spend the whole time
overthinking things. I had a girl recently take me on one of
the most unusual dates I’ve ever been on (there’s been three
in total). She took to me to a cemetery. I assure you she wasn’t
a zombie. We had dinner and then she walked me to a nearby
graveyard and said, “If you listen closely, you can hear the
tombstones talking.” I was six-feet deep in fear. I didn’t make
out with her but I did make it out of there alive. Back to the
sticky date pudding, though – don’t forget to add some warm
caramel sauce and prepare yourself for a mouth-watering,
zombie-free journey to an empty plate. Deliciously awesome.