The Cars’ Ric Ocasek
married supermodel
Paulina Porizkova
in 1989. (Seriously!)“Females of many
species—birds,
frogs, whales—
select the best
male musicians
as their mates.”
42 MensHealth.com | December 2016Useful
StuffFrom left: Ryan O., Ron Galella/WireImage/Getty Images“Females of many species, like birds, frogs,
w hales , o r how ler m o nkeys , sele c t the b es t m ale
musicians as their mates,” said evolutionary
psychologist Geoffrey Miller, Ph.D., the coauthor
of Mate: Become the Man Women Want. Great
musi c , he to ld me, is m ad e o nl y by the heal thies t ,
most energetic, most intelligent animals. “This
has been true in our species for a long time—
at least 30,000 years, judging from prehistoric
bone flutes that have been unearthed.”
To paraphrase what I think Miller was saying:
On a basic level, Dave Grohl isn’t that different
from a howler monkey. And 30,000 years ago,
a guy who could play his bone flute, which I
assume is not a euphemism, was a total catch.
It makes sense in theory, but it doesn’t help
those of us who don’t want to learn the guitar just
to be more attractive. Few guys are as doucheyas the one who learns a few Beatles songs just
to get laid. How do you create, as Maner put it, a
“display of intelligence and creativity?”
As a writer, my job involves being creative and
at least attempting to be intelligent. If I want my
wife to look at me the way she looks at Grohl,
should I start typing in front of her? I gave it a shot
and brought my laptop to bed. She looked at me
as she might look at a person urinating on himself.
“Why are you making that face?”
“What face?” I asked. But I knew what she
meant. I tried grimacing as I typed, the same way
Grohl does when he hits an especially pleasur-
ab le li c k. I t d idn’ t tr anslate.
Anka Radakovich, author of The Wild Girls
Club Part 2, gave me another explanation, one
that prove d m o re helpful. “ W hile we watc h him
play his guitar, we are fantasizing that he is strum-
ming our ‘clitar,’” she said. “Guitar players are
notorious for being good with their fingers.”
Ah, so there it is. Maybe it’s not the creativity
or musical ability that equates with making
pretty babies. Maybe, when women are being
transfixed by guitarists, they’re just looking at the
chord changes, if you know what I mean.
Miller concurred when he explained all the
traits that make guitar players sexy, including “the
manual dexterity to master the fingerings.”
Yes, of course. Master the fingerings.
I ’ll b e br inging my lapto p to b e d to nigh t. A nd , I ’ll
b e sure to emp hasize elab o r ate key b o ard s tro kes
and dexterous touch typing. It probably won’t
work. But I refuse to let Dave Grohl get all the glory.My wife and I have one of those sex freebie
lists: five celebrities you’re allowed to sleep with
should the opportunity arise, no repercussions.
Yes, it’s stupid. But if you pay attention, it can offer
a fascinating window into your partner’s tastes.
For me, a potty-mouth comedian like Sarah
Silverman or Amy Schumer gets my motor running.
M y w i fe’s lis t is en tirel y ro c k s t ar s. D ave G ro hl is o n
i t. Tw i c e. O nc e as a dr ummer, o nc e as a gui t ar is t.
I’ll admit I feel threatened by the musician thing.
I’ve often thought about how if I’d learned to play
the guitar instead of wasting my time, I’d be mak-
ing Jack White green by now. But the truth is I don’t
have the talent—even playing air guitar.
I t ’s hard not to think of my lac k of gui t ar c ho ps
as an inadequacy. My wife insists it isn’t, but she
also s to ps b link ing w henever D ave G ro hl is o n T V.
Women love guitar players. It’s scientifically
proven. In a French study, 300 female college stu-
d en ts were ap pro ac he d by an at tr ac ti ve s tr anger
who said something like, “You’re very pretty. We
should get a drink.” When the man was empty-
handed, only 14 percent responded favorably. But
when he was carrying a guitar case, 31 percent
not only stopped to talk but also gave him their
phone number. So even the possibility that you’re
a guitar god can give you an edge.
I spoke to several psychologists, hoping for
some insight into why playing or even just carry-
ing a guitar makes a man more desirable. With
few exceptions, most of them offered the same
conclusion: Women love guitar players because
they wan t to have their b ab ies.
“Guitar skill, like many forms of skilled expres-
sion, displays intelligence and creativity,” said
Northwestern University psychology professor
Jon Maner, Ph.D. “Mating with an intelligent and
creative partner increases the likelihood of having
intelligent and creative children, and this is good
for one’s own reproductive success.”
Reproductive success—two words you
wo uldn’ t asso c iate w i th sle ep ing w i th a ro c k s t ar.
Can you imagine any woman lying beneath Lyle
Lovett, Ric Ocasek, or Tom Petty, and thinking,
Woo-hoo, reproductive success!? (And yet
Lovett briefly had Julia Roberts, and Ocasek has
been married to Paulina Porizkova for 27 years.)Why Ladies
Pick Guitar
Players
The secrets of rock-star mojo
revealed! By Eric SpitznagelTHE SPITZ TAKE