ADVICE
SEXUAL APPEALING
DEAR E JEAN, I’m a bride of one
year and already my husband
and I are in a rut. We work,
we come home, he sits on
the couch playing computer
games, I sit on the couch
watching him, and then we
go to sleep. I can’t remember
a time when I’ve come home
and we’ve done anything
else. We rarely have sex.
I feel so unwanted, ignored
and lonely. I realise he’s not
overly affectionate, but he
never holds me and looks at
me with adoration in his
eyes. This is heartbreaking,
because I was a virgin on
our wedding day. I had so
many wonderful boyfriends
and opportunities, but
I chose to wait for him, and he for me. He tells me that
he finds me attractive but that he “doesn’t have a high
sex drive”. I never thought I’d be in a marriage where
I’m constantly struggling to find out whether my
husband loves me more than he loves a computer!
What man doesn’t mind going weeks without sex?
How do I get my marriage to work? Even the thought
of getting a divorce scares me.- Burdened Heart
HEART, MY YOUNG HIBISCUS Well...? What are you waiting
for? I can’t yank the man’s pants over his head myself.
Marriage is not an Adoration Club, honey. Marriage is
a skill. Stand up! Get off that couch! Gird your loins!
Unplug his headset! Tell him you’re bored as hell and
you’re not going to take it anymore. He’s an
“unaffectionate” dullard who “doesn’t have a high sex
drive”? Fine. Nobody’s perfect. Download the chump
off the sofa, push him out the door and take a walk
together. Get the blood pumping. Feel a real moment
of contact. He has absolutely no idea how frustrated
and sad you are, so tell him. (And as you haven’t a clue
what’s going on with him, ask him.)
Here’s a radical idea: compromise and do the
things that make you both happy. To wit: three
days a week he plays his games, three days a week
you make fun plans for you both. On the seventh
day, he performs his
husbandly duty. Sex is not
going to kill him, but anyone
who’s been married knows
it will take months of
unflagging enthusiasm to
make this deal happen.
Virginia Heffernan, the
fabled New York Times
writer, describes just how
alluring your chap’s
computer games and the
internet are in her book
Magic And Loss: The Internet
As Art. (Warning: the book
itself is so delectable, it may
put the whammy on you.)
If Mr Gamer still refuses
to get off the sofa? Secure
your bank accounts, hire
a lawyer and the next time
you choose a mate,
remember that when a woman marries a man who
agrees to “wait for sex”, she’ll end up with a husband
who waits for sex. (Note: I’m not speaking here of folks
with powerful religious beliefs who seem to burst like
cherry bombs on their wedding nights and continue
popping and snapping throughout their marriages.)DRIVING HER MAD
DEAR E JEAN, I’m at my wits’ end over the most ridiculous
disagreement with my friend. When we go out, she
never drives us. She drives to my house and parks, then
gets in my car and I drive us to the restaurant, party,
event, whatever. It’s not about petrol, and it’s not about
designating a driver – a glass of wine is about it for
both of us. I’m just tired of always driving us! She’s
a good friend and is supportive in other ways, but
when I tell her it’s her turn to drive, she gets upset.
By the way, she drives everywhere else – for her job, etc.- Done Driving Daisy
MISS DONE, MY DOVE Meet her at the restaurant. Or show
up early at her house on your bike. Or cab together.
Or Uber. Or walk. Or do what I do: I once drove four
of the poshest ELLE editors you ever saw in your life
home after a party. And not one of them will ever set
a gorgeously shod foot into my car again. Why?
They’re still covered in dog hair. q
Tormented? Driven witless?
Fear not, help is just a short letter awayask
e jean
ASK^
A^ QUESTIO
N...EMAIL
[email protected]
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