Womens_HealthAustralia-February_2017

your ideas,” says Tami Reiss, the

tool’s creator. Not good.

FORCE OF HABIT

Apologising is something ingrained

in us from an early age. Research

from the University of Virginia

suggests saying sorry becomes a

very important tool for us from the

age of six or seven, when we start to

build social skills. After that it’s likely

it builds up via the process of

context-dependent repetition – so,

if you say sorry every time someone

bumps into you, it will become a

knee-jerk reaction that will stick with

you for the rest of your life.

There’s also evidence to suggest

women may be more prone to

over-apologising than men. A recent

set of studies published in the

journal Psychological Science

certainly found female participants

apologised more in their daily lives

than their male counterparts. “Part

of the reason is that women are

more likely to think an offence has

been committed,” says study author

Karina Schumann. Surely this is also

about social conditioning – it’s a

power play, right?

Professor Judith Baxter, a

sociolinguist at Aston University,

believes these differences could

stem from the way men and women

are expected to behave in the

workplace. Plus, according to

research, women tend to be more

empathetic and better peacemakers

within relationships. “We say sorry

when it’s not our fault partly to avoid

conflict, but also because we’re

still being socialised to be more

deferential to men,” says Baxter.

“By saying sorry when we don’t

need to, women are apologising for

themselves and for their existence.”

THE SORRY TRUTH

‘Sorry’, then, is arguably tantamount

to admitting your ‘lesser-ness’ and

can have a horrendous effect on

your self-esteem. According to a

University of Queensland Business

School study, refusing to apologise

can boost your self-esteem by

increasing your sense of self worth.

So it could be reasoned that saying

sorry too much could have the

opposite effect. “Language is as

powerful as actions and ‘sorry’

definitely has an impact on your

self-esteem,” says Baxter. “The way

you speak has a very strong power

to construct who you are, and if you

use it in this very indirect way – using

words like ‘just’, ‘sorry’ and ‘actually’

to try to soften what you say – your

sense of self becomes blurred.”

There is a bitter taste to all this,

though, the niggling sense it is

condescending and anti-feminist to

try to police what women say (after

all, no one criticises men for not

being apologetic enough). “Asking

women to modify their speech is

just another way we are asked to

internalise and compensate for sexist

bias in the world,” says feminist

writer Ann Friedman. For some,

this endless policing of women’s

language is similar to the way our

culture polices physical appearance.

And little good can come of that.

What’s more, over-apologising

may not be all bad. Giving

superfluous apologies has actually

been proven to make you more

approachable, more trustworthy

and more likely to get what you

want. In one study, researchers at

Harvard Business School hired a

male actor to approach 65 strangers

on a rainy day and ask to borrow

their mobiles. In half the cases, the

actor preceded his request with:

“Sorry about the rain.” When he did

this, 47 per cent of strangers gave

him their mobiles, compared with

only nine per cent when he simply

asked to borrow their phones.

Sometimes, sorry just works. It’s

a valuable tool for social cohesion.

The danger comes when you

demean yourself by believing you

deserve to apologise for everything.

In her article, Dunham calls for us to

use ‘sorry’ only when necessary,

and to find alternatives when it’s

not (like when someone on the bus

clocks you over the head with their

bag). So why not give it some

thought and try to say what you

really mean? Sorry to be blunt. WH

SAY WHAT

YOU MEAN

Dish it out

Your partner’s done

the washing up?

Express gratitude

rather than

apologising for having

left it, suggests

Juliana Breines from

Brandeis University.

Just lose it

Try to avoid using the

word ‘just’ – it makes

you sound apologetic

and defensive, says US

life coach Tara Mohr.

Just a friendly piece of

advice, that’s all.

Speak for yourself

“Never say sorry on

behalf of someone

else if you’re

blameless,” says

Baxter. No matter

how much the

awkwardness might

make you squirm.

Make a note of it

Write lists. “Take note

of your apologies for

a few days, then go

over them and reflect

on whether they were

necessary,” advises

Schumann.

Choose your words

Say “I apologise”

instead of “sorry” –

but only if and when

you really mean

it. “It’s direct and

leaves no room for

misunderstanding,”

says psychologist

Dr Elle Boag.

FEBRUARY 2017 womenshealth.com.au 57

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