ILLUSTRATION BY KEENAN JEPPE
MAY 2017 GQ.CO.ZA 2511 SIGNS
THAT YO
SHOULD
NOT TAK
THAT JOB
Words by Brendan JackY
ou abandoned
all your New Year’s
resolutions before
February – that happens to the
best of us. But what about that
resolution to start a new job?
To ditch working for your
creepy, micro-managing boss?
To stop having to see your
boring co-workers again, like
ever? To never have to smell
people chomping on tuna
sandwiches right next to your
cubicle, or deal with the
awkwardness of unisex toilets?
Hey, but it’s already May, you
say. Correct. I can’t resign,
I have so many important
meetings and emails to attend
to. Incorrect.
It might be mid-year year to
you, but it’s the beginning of
the year somewhere else in the
world. So why not stick to just
one resolution: Operation Get
the Fuck Out of Your Current
Place of Work (GTFOYCPOW).
A new job is almost always
exciting due to new challenges,
better opportunities andStarting a call centre in your living
room might be a good idea. The calls
never stop, so you must be doing wellBe sure that you’re not leaving one
terrible workplace for anotherhopefully better pay. But you
don’t want to be stuck in a job
that won’t deliver for you,
otherwise what’s the point?
You might as well stay where
you are and suck up your
current terrible work
environment, or otherwise take
a mini-retirement to your
couch like many millennial
self-help gurus like to suggest.
Starting a call centre in your
living room might also be
a good idea. h ey never stop
calling, so you must be doing
well, right? But let’s not lose
focus from the point being
made here.
When meeting with
Prospective New Work
Opportunities (PNWO), treat
them like you’re a private
investigator or Avi, that tough
but sensitive hitman from Ray
Donovan. Scope out the work
environment for potential
telltale signs that it might not
be right for you. h ey can be
subtle, so don’t underestimate
due diligence.You arrive for your
interview and the board of
executives are all being
handcuffed by government
agents. Your short term
prospects are cloudy; wait
until the offending cronies
have left the building
permanently before trying this
particular company again.The boss casually
suggests that, at some
point, you might have to stuff
a condom fi lled with diamonds
into your ‘back passage’
on a business trip (and
receive a bonus for doing so).A jittery, overworked
employee pulls a
fl ick-knife on you in the toilet
cubicle. Worse if it’s a unisex
toilet. (Awkward AND
life-threatening.)As in China, they have
suicide nets outside the
building windows. (Expect to
be working long hours at this
place, with no leave on offer
for the fi rst fi ve to seven
years, at least.)There are there more
than four boardrooms
(aka prison cells) in the
building. There’s no science
behind this, but a place that
loves having meetings should
be a massive ‘red fl ag’.Look out for these signs
when choosing a new job:Your potential new boss
greets you with a hug,
then gently caresses your
thighs and buttocks, and sighs
into your neck.It smells like everyone in
the offi ce has stepped in
dog shit.Team building exercises
involve nudity. Staff call it
‘an opportunity for growth’
then wink and mime an erect
penis hand gesture.The fi nancial director
asks if you can loan him
cash for a boerie roll across
the road, then starts crying
and runs into the traffi c.Someone arrives
at the offi ce with
semi-automatic rifl es, fi ring
at middle management. (This
might be the new marketing
guy hired from the US.)Michael de Broglio
Attorneys and the Carte
Blanche team are hiding out
in the reception area waiting
to interview the boss for an
exposé they’re running.h ere are more signs indicating
that you shouldn’t take that job
at that place, but these are
some of the most relevant,
according to research. Good
luck. And remember, there’s
always next year if you don’t
want to rush things.CE