ELLE.COM.AU / @ELLEAUS 67
soap opera characters as if she knows them, who’ll put
on a ballgown to vacuum (“I’ve got nowhere else to
wear it”), a woman who hasn’t knowingly eaten carbs
since 2002. I feel guilty about the years I treated her as
a chef (much criticised) and taxi driver (one star: too
much nagging and Michael Bolton), as a cleaner
ǻȃ ¢ ęǵ ¢
ĚȄǼǻȃ Ȃ ȄǼǯ
Her life, her personality, her needs and her wants were
all obscured by my own. That is, until I turned 18: the
age she was when she became pregnant with me.
When I was 18, I moved out of home. I decided to try
ǰ ¢ ě
humans and a million mice in a red East London house.
I was broke and emotional, I was ambitious with no
self-belief. I could barely function as an adult; I slept
through alarm clocks and lost train tickets mid-journey.
Ě ȱ
about red wine puke in the kitchen
sink than relatives. I could barely
keep myself alive. How had my
mum managed all this with a baby
ǵ ǰ
to contrast my life with hers. The
holidays she hadn’t been on, the
nights out she’d been denied. By
the age of 25, my mum was
bringing up three girls by herself
ę ǻ
moved out to be a jazz musician
and live with other ladies). When
I was 25, I was still thinking long
and hard about what I wanted to
be when I grew up. Luckily for me,
I had most of those thoughts while
ǯ ¢
I appreciate the long hours my mum worked in
comparison to my own laziness. I have friends who are
single mums and I see the support they need, the life-
juggle necessary to get their kids to school, themselves
to work and prevent anyone from starving to death.
ĝ ¢ ¢ Ȃ ¡
ǯ¢ǵ
¢ ę ǵ
says they’d go crazy without the release of a swim or
ǵ ǰ ŗŖ ¢ ǰ Ȃ ǯ
same with her studying. I hated school and didn’t
believe that a single thing the teachers said had any
relevance to me and my future pop career (a music
career that is still in the future – I just haven’t picked an
ę ¢Ǽǯ ¢ ¢ ¢
her in the bath with a book, utilising her limited
spare time by simultaneously washing and studying.
ę
ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱǯȱ
She inspired my ambitions, not by telling me that
I could do anything, but by showing me. If I love
ǻ Ǽǰ ȂȬĴ
storytime, but because my mum demonstrated how
knowledge is strength and a weapon. Knowing more
than your work colleagues is a strategy for success,
ę ¢ ¢ ¢
ǻ ¢Ȃ ęǰ
some guy with a square jaw will be along in a second to
save you). The more you learn, the more becomes
possible in life.
But what I feel guiltiest about – where I judged my
mother most harshly – was her relationships. I berated
her for having no friends, all the while not realising she
simply didn’t have the time. I hated her boyfriends and
Ě ǯ
them, spat in their teacups and hid their car keys. The
perfect karmic punishment for my teenage rebellions
ǰ ¢ǰ
(Idon’t know why she only fancied
guys with dogs’ names) was that
Iǯ DZ
it is me who defends the cruelty of
emotionally unstable men because
I love them (all of them, bring them
to me). Now it is Mum telling me
Ĵǰ
more. So I’m trying to be stronger,
I’m trying to be okay on my own.
ǰ ǯ
ę Ȭ
looking men to save them, but we
don’t. We can save ourselves.
There is a wonderful part inThe
Argonauts by Maggie Nelson,
where she contemplates that all of us, every single
person who survived childhood, did so because
adiligent caregiver made sure we didn’t choke on
¢ǯǰę
things out of our mouths and save our lives daily. It’s
such an ordinary and profound thing to think about.
Being vulnerable before we knew it. My protestations
of “I didn’t ask to be born” as a teenager were because
I didn’t want to be grateful. My mum said, “You’ll
understand when you have kids,” but I haven’t (so, ha,
Ǽǯ ǰ
healthy, unconditional friendship you can only have
with someone who has seen you at your worst and
cleaned up the sick.
I don’t have kids, but I know that you don’t have to
be a parent to feel maternal. Becoming an adult and
living life ourselves teaches us what we owe them,
those parents we didn’t realise were people.
Animal: The Autobiography Of A Female Body ($21, Faber & Faber)
is out now“I FEEL GUILTYABOUT
THE YEARS I TREATED
HER AS A CHEF (MUCH
CRITICISED), TAXI DRIVER
(ONE STAR: TOO MUCH
MICHAEL BOLTON)AND
CLEANER (‘WHERE IS
MY OUTFIT? I LEFT
IT SAFELY ON THE
BATHROOM FLOOR’). HER
LIFE, HER PERSONALITY,
HER WANTS WERE ALL
OBSCURED BY MY OWN”