DON’T LIE
I
T WOULD BE NICEif the
next time you heard someone
say “I had to lay the bike
down”, you’d take a chair and belt
him in the face with it. Then back it
up by stomping him until the police
hose you with pepper spray.
It’s certainly what I’m considering.
Because it really is the only recourse
left when one is confronted with
such a statement. For that statement
encompasses everything that is wrong
with many of the people who ride
motorcycles today.
Let us look at what that statement
is about.
At face value, it is (and is meant to
be) a declaration of skill in terms of
collision avoidance. You are meant
to understand, applaud, and
appreciate the rider low-sided his
bike to avoid impact with a car. Or
a tree. Or a werewolf.
It normally goes like this: “Yeah,
I was just riding along and this car/
tree/werewolf came out of a street
and I had to lay the bike down to
avoid hitting it”.
It is right at this point you need to
pick up a chair and swing it into the
muppet’s face as hard as you can.
And then say to him as he lies there
with his eyes rolling around in his
head, gagging on broken teeth and
cheekbones: “You lie! Stop lying! Do
not lie again!”
Because he is lying.
He didn’t purposefully and with
great skill lay the bike down to avoid
colliding with something.
He crashed. Like a bitch. A stupid,
panicked, I’m-shit-at-this bitch.
He was riding along, something
came out of a side-street, he befouled
himself, grabbed all the brakes in the
world, closed his eyes and slapped
himself onto the roadway like a wet
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There was no skill in this. No intent.
He really didn’t plan for it to go like
this when the object appeared.
But he wants you to think it did.He wants you to nod appreciatively
at his display of riding prowess.
A lesser rider would have hit that
car/tree/werewolf. A lesser rider
would not have had the presence
of mind backed up with the skill of
professional stunt-rider to “lay the
bike down”.
But he did.
And that is a lie and that is why he
needs to eat a chair.
He failed to hit the car/tree/
werewolf out of sheer luck. The
same luck that ensured his entry into
this world was via the aid of a mid-
wife rather than a piece of Sorbent.
Of course, sometimes the bike is
thrown onto the roadway and still
hits the car/tree/werewolf, in which
case the blame will be apportioned
accordingly, i.e. to the car/tree/
werewolf, and it will be a case of:
“It just came out. I couldn’t do
anything.”
Yeah, well, you could have
avoided it. But you crashed into it
instead. Which I know is not the
optimal choice.
I know this because I have done
it myself.
A few years ago, I centrepunched a
car that had turned into my path.
I broke my neck and speared all of
my left-arm bones through the
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I didn’t “lay it down”. I just
slammed into the car.
Could I have avoided it? Sure. If I
had been on my game a little more.
If I’d have anticipated a little more.
If...if...if...
At the end of the day the driver was
legally at fault, but I was the
one in hospital because on that day
and at that exact time, I was not
on my game.
My fault. No issue. Hell, it’s not
like I’m new at this. Car drivers do
all sorts of Crazy Ivan shit. I want
to beat them with chairs too. And
before we entered the Age of Video
Surveillance, I did. Except I didn’tbeat them with chairs. I beat them
with large shifting spanners, helmets,
mailed gloves and steel-capped
boots. Halcyon days.
And I can guarantee you that each
and every one of those drivers whom
I beat like a retarded plough-mule is
today far more motorcycle aware
than he was before the beating.
You’re welcome.
So don’t give me that shit about
violence never solving anything.
Violence solves everything. It always
has and it always will.
It is why governments all over the
world use it, and it is why we live
in a relatively peaceful society. The
mere threat of police beating us with
truncheons is usually enough to get
us to behave.
So I contend violence is especially
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things like the deep-vein stupid that
produces arrogant statements like “I
had to lay the bike down”.
I can admire a bloke who owns
his screw-up.
“Yeah, I stuffed up. It was my fault.
The pins come out in three weeks
and the bike was insured, so I’m
planning what to get next.”
See? No need to for a
chairing here, is there? I’d
probably shout him a beer
or two because it’s hard for him to
crutch his way to the bar and carry
back a round.
But don’t lie. Only
bitches lie.DBORIS