THE CHOSEN ONE is worried about Polly the cat.
She’d like mShe’d like me to check her out. I asseme to check her out. I assemble the bandages, ble the bandages,
the cotton wool, the adhesive plaster and the antiseptic the cotton wool, the adhesive plaster and the antiseptic
ointmointment. There will be blood. Ment. There will be blood. Mine.ine.
Tell mTell me if I’me if I’m paranoid, but I actually asked a published paranoid, but I actually asked a published
crimcrime writer if he thought a wome writer if he thought a woman wanting to kill a man wanting to kill a man an
fromfrom blood loss, m blood loss, might ask himight ask him to check out a devil cat to check out a devil cat
knowing he’d be torn to shreds, and mknowing he’d be torn to shreds, and maybe comaybe come down with e down with
ringwormringworm as well. H as well. He said it was an interesting idea but he e said it was an interesting idea but he
had to dash away to start a new book. I took that as a ‘yes’.had to dash away to start a new book. I took that as a ‘yes’.
Polly regards mPolly regards men with the samen with the same indifference that Donald e indifference that Donald
TrumTrump regards Mp regards Mexicans. Hexicans. Her attitude er attitude —— and I m and I mean ean
Attitude —Attitude — suggests she thinks m suggests she thinks men and women and women are opposite en are opposite
species. She and The Chosen One carry on inane lovey-dovey species. She and The Chosen One carry on inane lovey-dovey
exchanges all day. She doesn’t so mexchanges all day. She doesn’t so much talk as much talk as meep. Polly eep. Polly
that is. ‘Mthat is. ‘Meep’ is the noise Polly chooses to meep’ is the noise Polly chooses to make when she ake when she
wants to remwants to remind The Chosen One how sweet she really is. ind The Chosen One how sweet she really is.
Now, The Chosen One has mNow, The Chosen One has more or less adopted it herself.ore or less adopted it herself.
You know that question in the census formYou know that question in the census form: : WWhat hat
language is mlanguage is most spoken in your homost spoken in your home?e? Our answer Our answer
would have to be mwould have to be meeping...eeping...
“Polly’s m“Polly’s meeping at the front door,” says The Chosen One. eeping at the front door,” says The Chosen One.
“I can hear Polly m“I can hear Polly meeping someeping somewhere. Do you know where ewhere. Do you know where
she is?” “Our little girl mshe is?” “Our little girl must be somust be somewhere in the house. ewhere in the house.
I can hear her mI can hear her meeping.” It goes on.eeping.” It goes on.
Polly arrived after the heartbreaking demPolly arrived after the heartbreaking demise of Barney, the ise of Barney, the
world’s best dog. Barney and I had a special rapport, but he world’s best dog. Barney and I had a special rapport, but he
would always include The Chosen One. Barney liked harmwould always include The Chosen One. Barney liked harmony ony
in the house. And no hurt feelings. Win the house. And no hurt feelings. When The Chosen One hen The Chosen One
and I were in the samand I were in the same roome room, Barney would pace out the exact , Barney would pace out the exact
central point between us and take up residence there.central point between us and take up residence there.
The Chosen One, looking for a suitable replacemThe Chosen One, looking for a suitable replacement ent
for a dog tipping the scales at a tad mfor a dog tipping the scales at a tad more than jockey Hore than jockey Hugh ugh
BowmBowman, settled on a cat. She used to tell people that Barney an, settled on a cat. She used to tell people that Barney
was a Shed Hwas a Shed Hair Terrier and was clearly hoping to cut back air Terrier and was clearly hoping to cut back
on the Electrolux mon the Electrolux mileage. So a cat it was. A ginger cat. Polly.ileage. So a cat it was. A ginger cat. Polly.
Polly had been sleeping rough for a while and had Polly had been sleeping rough for a while and had
developed the type of cunning you mdeveloped the type of cunning you might associate with ight associate with
a cabinet ma cabinet minister with a gold tooth. Hinister with a gold tooth. Here is a cat that ere is a cat thathas developed a liking for eye fillet while we eat rumhas developed a liking for eye fillet while we eat rump, p,
largely through the simlargely through the simple expediency of mple expediency of meeping eeping
extravagant love and affection for The Chosen One... extravagant love and affection for The Chosen One...
while regarding mwhile regarding me as largely superfluous, and also e as largely superfluous, and also
a serial offender at sitting in the wrong chair.a serial offender at sitting in the wrong chair.
Polly shares a pillow with The Chosen One at night. Polly shares a pillow with The Chosen One at night.
I accept, but resent, the fact that she’s happy to put her head I accept, but resent, the fact that she’s happy to put her head
on The Chosen One’s pillow but will only put a sogg y fur on The Chosen One’s pillow but will only put a sogg y fur
ball on mball on mine. I somine. I sometimetimes turn over in bed and wake with es turn over in bed and wake with
a start thinking I’ma start thinking I’m in an episode of in an episode of Rise of the Titans Rise of the Titans and and
have been carried off to bed by somhave been carried off to bed by some vicious ginger-haired e vicious ginger-haired
warriors. “Roll over,” comwarriors. “Roll over,” commmands The Chosen One. “You’ll ands The Chosen One. “You’ll
wake Polly.” “Yeah, get lost,” says Polly in her cute little mwake Polly.” “Yeah, get lost,” says Polly in her cute little meep. eep.
These days, they take their afternoon nap together spread These days, they take their afternoon nap together spread
wantonly across the bed in each other’s armwantonly across the bed in each other’s arms like the lurid s like the lurid
cover of somcover of some pulp fiction paperback. e pulp fiction paperback.
And I’mAnd I’m now beginning to suspect Polly has a deep-seated, now beginning to suspect Polly has a deep-seated,
narrowing-of-the-eyes mnarrowing-of-the-eyes mistrust and contemistrust and contempt of all mpt of all men. en.
There doesn’t need to be an elephant in the roomThere doesn’t need to be an elephant in the room. If there’s. If there’s
a ma man in the rooman in the room, Polly’s on full alert., Polly’s on full alert.
I once had a cat called Alice. MI once had a cat called Alice. Maybe we should have called aybe we should have called
this one Mthis one Malice. I just know that when one of the leading alice. I just know that when one of the leading
class-action law firmclass-action law firms succeeds in getting a Royal Coms succeeds in getting a Royal Commmission ission
into animinto animal abuse, and there’s an inquiry into animal abuse, and there’s an inquiry into animals that have als that have
been inappropriately touched, Polly will be the first witness. been inappropriately touched, Polly will be the first witness.
She’ll tell the court —She’ll tell the court — sorry, m sorry, meep to the court —eep to the court — “That’s the “That’s the
mman. I’d recognise himan. I’d recognise him anywhere... the one with all those anywhere... the one with all those
adhesive plasters and blood-stained bandages.adhesive plasters and blood-stained bandages.
“And he’s not even m“And he’s not even my real father.”y real father.”1 5 4 1 5 4 CCOOUUNNTTRYRY S T S TYYL EL E JUNE 2017JUNE 2017
CCOOUUNNTTRRYY S Q S QUUI RI REE
PET PEEVESPET PEEVES
ROB INGRAM WORRIES THAT HIS ROB INGRAM WORRIES THAT HIS
CAT, POLLY, IS OUT FOR BLOOD.CAT, POLLY, IS OUT FOR BLOOD.“WHAT LANGUAGE IS MOST SPOKEN
IN YOUR HOME? OUR ANSWER
WOULD HAVE TO BE MEEPING...”PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPHYMICHAEL WEEBACKGROUND PHOTOGRAPHYSAM McADAM-COOPERSTYLINGPHOEBE McEVOYMICHAEL WEEBACKGROUND PHOTOGRAPHYSAM McADAM-COOPERSTYLINGPHOEBE McEVOY