GQ_South_Africa_2017

42 GQ.CO.ZA OCTOBER 2017

essentials

SEX

ILLUSTRATION BY GARETH GREY

GUYBRATORS

Words by Jason Alexander Basson

If she has a jackhammer

hiding in her bedside cabinet,

why shouldn’t you?

W

omen have had a

close relationship

with sacred sex

objects since time immemorial.

Don’t believe me? Try visiting

your local museum of ancient

artefacts. Still not convinced?

Ask your handheld shower-

head what he’s been up to for

the last few years.

Mechanical vibrators aren’t

a recent phenomenon, either.

Th ey were introduced in the

late 1800s, but only penetrated

the commercial market at the

dawn of the 20th century.

Th ey were designed as medical

instruments used to help

women combat hysteria. By

the ’40s and ’50s they were

being sold as personal massage

devices, many of which were

unmistakably phallic in shape

and size. Some even appeared

in vintage porn or nudies from

the era.

Of course it was only in the ’90s

(thanks to Charlotte’s Rabbit

from Sex and the City, as well as

Oprah Winfrey’s subsequent

endorsement thereof) that these

scandalous bedside companions

came out of their drawers and

into mainstream consciousness.

The history of the pocket

pussy, on the other hand, is not

quite as glamourous. I won’t

upset you with the details, but

rest assured in knowing that

men have been quite resourceful

(read desperate) in transforming

every natural or unnatural

opening in the world into

a substitute orifi ce of some kind.

We’ve done some research and

concluded that one of the best

places to buy your high-end

wholesome sexcessories is

a little e-store called Matildas.

Th ere you will fi nd a classy

selection of toys for him, for her,

for him and her, for him and

him, and whomever else you

might want to throw into the

equation. In fact, they’re so

classy that most will double

up as designer objects for

your mantlepiece should you

accidentally leave something

for your in-laws to discover

upon their next surprise visit.

Th e Pulse III guybrator

(my personal favourite) is

a revolutionary bit of tech that,

unlike any other sex toy for

men, uses an oscillator to

produce its stimulating eff ect.

Th e technolog y was specifi cally

designed to help men with

spinal injuries activate the

nerves in their genitals and

stimulate the previously

starved blood capillaries, in an

eff ort to help them procreate.

Th e Pulse guybrator can be

used with or without lube, on

a fl accid or erect penis, and is

completely waterproof. It is

particularly eff ective for

men suff ering from erectile

dysfunction, but is also great

for improving the blood fl ow

and nervous response in

fully functioning penises.

Th at means stronger erections

and better quality orgasms.

Fact. Everybody masturbates.

Even couples. It’s a healthy

habit. Mutual masturbation is

an important part of growing

and cultivating a sexual

relationship. Luckily, the Pulse

III comes in solo and couple

versions, meaning you can both

have fun with this toy, together

or alone. It has fi ve separate

pulses and a mechanism for

increasing or moderating the

intensity, which means you

have options to play with.

Now, I believe the only thing

left to say is, ‘You’re welcome!’

It’s time to leave your shame at

the front door and rouse that

ancient serpent from it’s mythic

slumber so it might slither off

into new and uncharted worlds.

Now carry on, Columbus.

Pulse 3 Duo Couples Vibrator

R2 695 at matildas.co.za

IT’S TIME TO

ROUSE THAT

ANCIENT

SERPENT

FROM ITS

MYTHIC

SLUMBER SO

IT MIGHT

SLITHER OFF

INTO NEW AND

UNCHARTED

WORLDS