LOL
Send your favourite funnies to: LOL, Street Machine, Locked Bag 12,
Oakleigh, Vic 3166 or email them to: [email protected].JUDGEMENT DAY
IN A TRIAL, a small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, an
elderly woman, to the stand.
He approached her and asked: “Mrs
Jones, do you know me?”
She responded: “Why, yes I do know
you, Mr Williams. I’ve know you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve
been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you’re a big shot when
you haven’t the brains to realise you
never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing
what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked: “Mrs Jones, do you
know the defence attorney?”
She replied: “Why yes, I do. I’ve known
Mr Bradley since he was a youngster
too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can’t build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The
defence attorney almost died.
At this point, the judge asked both
counsellors to approach the bench,
and in a very quiet voice, said: “If either
of you bastards asks her if she knows
me, I’ll throw your sorry arses in jail for
contempt.”
Gil Tea, email
GAG OF THE MONTH
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is
forever – Napoleon Bonaparte
THOUGHT OF THE MONTH
DOG’S TALE
A WEALTHY old lady decides to go on a photo
safari in Africa, and takes her faithful pet poodle
along for company. One day, the poodle starts
chasing butterflies and before long becomes
lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks:
“Uh-oh, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he
notices some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle
says loudly: “Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more ’round here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-
stride and slinks away into the trees. “Phew,”
the leopard thinks. “That was close; that poodle
nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching
the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he
can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So he runs off to
find the leopard. But the poodle sees him do this
and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says: “Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what’s going to happen to that
conniving canine.”
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with
the monkey on his back, and thinks: “What am I
going to do now?” But instead of running away,
he sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. Just when
they get close enough to hear, the poodle says:
“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off half
an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
Wiley K Nyne, emailQUICKIES
A MAN walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one
for the road.”
TWO cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I WENT to a seafood disco last week. I pulled
a mussel.
FUNNY FOTOTO You’re fighting a loo-sink battle in this restroom.You’re fighting a loo-sink battle in this restroom.
REMEDY
FEELING edgy, a man decided to take a hot
bath. Just as he became comfortable and began
to relax, the doorbell rang. The man got out of
the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went
to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he
needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the
man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers
and robe, and the man started for the door
again. But this time he slipped on a wet spot,
fell backwards, and hit his back against the hard
porcelain bathtub. Cursing under his breath, the
man struggled into his street clothes, and with
every move a stab of pain, he drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said: “You
know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But
you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and
take a long, hot bath?”
G Thanx, email
A DYSLEXIC man walks into a bra.
AN INVISIBLE man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
I WENT to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day, but I couldn’t find any.
A SANDWICH walks into a bar. The bartender
says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
Juan Liners, emailSAME OLD SONG
“DOCTOR, I can’t stop singing The Green,
Green Grass of Home.
“Hmm, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Oh my goodness! Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
Y DeLyla, emailGRAVE ERROR
A YOUNG preacher was asked by the local
funeral director to hold a graveside burial service
for someone with no family or friends.
On the day of the service, the preacher
hopped in his car nice and early to head out
to the cemetery, but quickly got lost, making
several wrong turns. Eventually, half an hour late,
he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse
was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
So the diligent young pastor went straight
to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place. Taking out his book, he read
the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and
lengthy service, sending the deceased to the
great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard
one of the workmen say to his mate: “I’ve been
putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I’ve never
seen anything like that.”
Sue Ridge, email