EURO MYTHCONCEPTIONSFT383 53in such away that,by appearing to stand up
to interfering Brussels bureaucrats, that he
ends up becoming PM. DidJohnson, already
convinced of the EU’s imminent demise
by Manuel, model the mostrecent phase
of his political career upon that of another
decades-old BBC sit-comcharacter? If so,
maybe he had goodreason to. In April 2019,
it was reported that the EUwas making
actual proposals toforce vegetarian burgers
to berelabelled as “discs” andvegetarian
sausages to berelabelled as... “tubes”.Talk
about ostension.^6
During the 2016 Referendum campaign,
Johnson specifically mentioned some of his
old Euro-Myths, leading to accusations that
the EU hewas campaigning againstwas an
imaginaryYes, Minister-styleversion of the
institution he had created in hisTelegraph
columns,rather than thereal thing.There
is some truth to this – but not all criticism
of Boris is entirelyfair.When he claimed
in 2016 that only 4% of EU Commission
employees were British, hewas loudly
accused oflying ... but when thiswas looked
into, it transpired he hadoverestimated
how manywere British. Infact, it was onl y
3.5%. Likewise, on the campaign-trail, he
moanedabout Brussels saying bananas
could not be sold in bunches of more than
three. Boris had indeed blundered...very
slightly. In 2011, the EU prohibitedretailers
from selling most bananas in bunches of
fewer thanfour (except as single fruits),
rather than more than three.AsJohnson’s
basic pointwas to illustrate how petty many
Brusselsregulationsreally are, does it
matter that he saidmore than threeinstead
offewer than four?The Europhiles who
accused him oflying were perhaps more
deceptive here than hewas.^7
THE PROTOCOLSOFTHE
ELDERSOFBRUSSELS
To combat anti-EU lies invented by other
men called Boris, in 2015 Brussels began
funding awebsite, EUvsDisinfo.eu, aimed
at countering anti-EU propaganda pumped
out from Putin’s Russia.This site does
some goodwork, such asexposing a series
of bizarre pseudo-documentaries with
titles likeEurope Is the Kingdom of the Gays
which seek to convince Eastern European
audiences that the EU has a secret plot to
turn schoolchildren transgender via the
influence of homosexual politicians.The
EU’s team alsofound amusing Kremlin-
pushed nonsense claiming theworld
is actuallyfl at and that English secret-
agentsmust ha ve tried to kill the Skripals
because Shakespeare’s plays arefi lled with
poisonings.
However, there is a certain genre of
Euro-Myth not busted on any EUwebsite,
because they happen to actually be true.
For example, Brusselsreally doeswaste
money on producing ‘free’ (to the consumer,
not the taxpayer) EU-themed colouring
booksfor schoolchildren – kids need plenty
of grey pencils handy to colour in all those
faceless bureaucrats.This was reve aled by
theDailyTelegraphin 2013 when itfound a
multi-language publication,Mr and Mrs MEP
and Their Helpers, of which 15,000 copies
had been printed atyour expense, with pics
of Eurocrats’ free limousines to colour in.
The glossy booklet, intendedfor use ina
‘Kids’ Corner’ during EU parliament open-
days,was waved aroundby then-PM David
Cameron as a primeexample of EUwaste;
but, suchwas theTelegraph’s reputation,
some EU leaders like Angela Merkel refused
to accept that the bookletwas real, thinking
it merely a Boris-aping parody. But itwasn’t.
And, when asked howmuch it had cost to
produce, officialsrefused point-blank to
release anyfi gures.^8 But still the EU did not
learn.As an alternative to Panini football-
sticker albums, in 2014 they produced an EU
FarmingPolicies sticker-book, so kids could
collect images ofvegetables,grain silos and
other thingsrelating to theexciting,child-
friendlyworld of the Common Agricultural
Policy.^9
The reasoning given by rampantFederasts
for targeting helpless Euro-infants in
this way is that “it is strategically wise to
go where theresistance is least” to such
propaganda, asreve aled in arather creepy
document,Reflection on Information and
CommunicationPolicy of the European Union,
whoseexistencewas reve aled by Boris
Johnson in theTelegraphof 1 April 1993–
but thiswas no April Fool’s joke.Following
continent-wide disquietover the Maastricht
Treaty, Jacques Delors commissioned mega-
brained Belgian MEPWilly de Clercq to
head aComité des Sages, or Committee of
Wise Men, tofi ght back against scepticism
about “theworthiness of the good project”.
These Elders of Brussels plotted to create an
EU-wide Office of Communications, devisingnew methods to market Europe as a “brand”.
Theyproposed that the text of treaties
like Maastricht be downplayed as “far too
technical andremote from daily life”for
ordinary Euro-plebs to understand. Instead,
the EU should “invest in programme-units”
and encourage soap-operas to insert pro-EU
storylines, so that the brain-dead populace
would subliminally imbibe howwonderful
the EU is simplyby seeing Phil Mitchell
praise the Schengen Zone. Children and
women, havingweak minds, should be
particularly targeted, thereport implied.
“This will probably be thefi rst time in
European history that a statesman makes
a direct appeal towomen,” the document
laughably stated, while citizens should be
encouraged to think of the “nurturing”
Europa as their loving mother, with the EU
being “instinctively opposed towars and
aggression”, just as all females are.The
“mystical connotations” of the approaching
year 1999 should be drawn into all this too,
in a rolling media-programme that “must
be total and continuous”. Itwas “a well-
documentedfact” that “most people derive
their ‘knowledge’ of complex subjects” from
viewingTV, wrote De Clercq – do note those
inverted commas – so this policy of counter-
Borisingwas bound towork.Watching
doctored showswould “tell [voters] all they
need, or have patience, to know.”
In schools, history books should be
rewritten to “ensure a European dimension
is gi ven to our past”, and newspapers
massaged to provide “a more positive line”
about the EU, by “establishing systematic
bridges with the national andregional
Press”. Crucially, “Newscasters and
reportersmustthemselvesbe targeted, they
must themselves be persuadedabout the EU.
It is crucial tochange their opinionsfi rst, so
thattheysubsequently become enthusiastic
supporters of the cause...The mediamust
be persuaded to present the achievements,
the benefits, the opportunities [of the
EU] in a positive, optimisticway, and not
delight in criticism andfailure. ”Willy also
bemusingly suggested targeting bicycle
clubsfor pro-EU brainwashing with his not-
at-all Soviet slogan “EUROPEAN UNION
TOGETHERTO PROMOTE PROGRESS&
PROSPERITY, PROTECTION & PEACE:
TOGETHER FOR EUROPETOTHE
BENEFIT OF US ALL!”The media should be
“willing” to give discount advertising-rates
to such “campaigns that are so obviously
in the public interest”; campaigns which
imparted vital data such as “Who is the EU’s
chess champion?”These suggestions led to
a temporarywalkout of outraged Brussels
hacks, who accused the EU of “acting like
a military junta”. Butresistancewas futile.LEFT:The bendy banana remains akey signifier of the
Euro-Myth, as these anti-Brexit protesters demonstrate.CHRISTOPHERFU
RLONG / GETTY IMAGES