S
ome 2,250 years ago, keen Tripadvisor
contributors Sandra and Nigel decided to tick
off the seven wonders of the world ...Lighthouse of AlexandriaI wouldn’t normally travel any distance to see
a lighthouse but everyone kept banging on
about this one, so Sandra and I decided, what
the hell? Big mistake. It was closed the
morning we arrived, so we had to wait almost
half an hour for the afternoon tour. The guide spoke
only passable Pictish and gave us not nearly enough
time in the gift agora. More importantly, the light in the
lighthouse was just some burning logs. Avoid.Great Pyramid of GizaIf you’re going to call it great, then at least make sure
it’s bigger than Sandra and I expected. Also, no one
warned us how much sand there would be. Avoid.Mausoleum of HalicarnassusWhen we arrived in Halicarnassus, it was almost
30C. For some reason they had sealed Mausolus’s
mausoleum, so Sandra and I were left to wander
around outside where there was no shade. Our
luggage had gone to Gumusluk, so we had no sun
cream and no sun hats. Most importantly, we’d paid
for speedy boarding but they only speedy boarded us
onto the transfer horse. From there to the chariots
it was a free for all. Avoid.The Temple of ArtemisSandra and I are ahead of our time when it comes to
female empowerment — we both believe women are
almost as good as men — so we were looking forward
to this one. Sandra, in particular, admires Artemis,
goddess of the hunt, of nature, of the moon and young
women. Much more inspiring than Aphrodite, goddess
of Love Island. And her temple is great. Really clearly
signposted. But I got food poisoning and Sandra was
forced to explore on her own. Without the clearCHARLIE CLIFT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE, ALAMY
MATT RUDD
The seven wonders of the
ancient world, as rated on Tripadvisor
signposting, she would have struggled. It’s not her fault
— she just isn’t very good with charts.Statue of ZeusI note a previous reviewer, the Roman general Aemilius
Paullus, was “moved to the soul, as if he had seen the
god in person”, so I just want anyone else travelling to
Olympia to manage their expectations. First of all, the
chariot transfer from Paos does not take the advertised
55 minutes. It’s closer to 75. You then have to queue for
more than an hour and they only let you have a few
seconds in front the statue itself. Sadly, that’s more
than enough time. All the gold and ivory is far too gaudy
for my taste. And what they don’t tell you in the
guidescrolls is that there is a guy permanently on hand
to massage olive oil into Zeus’s very unrealistic
six-pack. Sandra, in particular, found this upsetting. In
fact, she was speechless. The guy claimed he was doing
it to protect the ivory from the sun but his toga was
unnecessarily skimpy and he had no ID. Suspicious.Colossus of RhodesThis was much more like it. Three times taller than
gaudy Zeus with his unnecessary masseur, Colossus
stands, well, colossal above the harbour in Rhodes. The
toilet facilities were adequate and the signage was clear.
Four stars then, except for what happened next. Sandra
and I decided to find a taverna in which to edit down
our self-sketches (Sandra calls them skelfies but that
will never catch on). The drinks were far too strong.
I had to return to our inn early and Sandra had no
option but to spend the evening stuck talking to some
guy who claimed his job was to massage olive oil into
statues. Not another one! When she finally returned,
she was visibly exhausted from having to listen to the
guy drone on about his probably imaginary job. Avoid.Hanging Gardens of BabylonThey’re called the Hanging Gardens of Babylon but
they weren’t hanging at all. They were terraced. Now,
I don’t know about you but if someone tells me I’m
going all the way to Mesopotamia to see a hanging
garden, it has to hang. There was none of that
— not even any hanging baskets. Sandra was also
disappointed that the Terraced Gardens of
Babylon, as they should be called, had no guy
with olive oil to remonstrate with. I thought it
was a good thing. Hence two stars n
@mattrudd“The Hanging Gardens of
Babylon weren’t hanging
at all. They were terraced”
The Sunday Times Magazine • 7Banca do Antfer
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