Togetherness is the key. The SAT is a dismal, lonely ordeal. You are isolated not
only during the almost-four pathetic hours of solitude that is the test, but also
during long, bleak minutes of studying with nothing but this book to keep you
company. We have confirmed that the College Board has offshore investments
that profit right around testing time, when millions of students rush out to buy
pet rocks.
BUT YOU ARE NOT REALLY ALONE! There are millions just like you
who no longer need to suffer in silence! Comrades, on the night before the test,
share your feelings about the College Board with your fellow test takers. Vent
your thoughts by sending a pointed email message to the College Board via the
“Contact Us” page of their website and sharing your frustrations on Facebook.
Together we will be strong! And when the sun rises on Saturday morning—
we will prevail!
Each of these methods has its merits. People using the first method tend to
get higher scores, people using the second method get spiritually enriched,
people using the third method die young, people using the fourth method get
locked up, people using the fifth method can join a Zen monastery afterward,
and people using the sixth method get a warm fuzzy feeling. No matter which
method you use, be sure to read the wisdom on page 355 on the night before the
test. Don’t peek at it before then.
SNEAKY SNACKING
Ever since the Evil Testing Serpent increased the length of the SAT to practically
three days, it very generously allows students to bring in snacks. (We know this
is just to keep its victims alive longer in order to continue torturing them.)
You’re not allowed to eat food during the test, and in any case, doing so
would waste valuable time. Instead, snack during the breaks. Choosing your SAT
menu can be lots of fun. Here are a few guidelines and suggestions:
- Nothing noisy: no potato chips, carrots, or tuna casseroles (at least not the
kind with cornflakes on top) - Nothing sticky: no cookie batter, maple syrup, toffee, or super glue
- Nothing big: no turkeys, cotton candy, or melons
- Nothing smelly: no Limburger cheese, kimchi, or fried fish
No melons. Absolutely no melons. Trust us on this one.
—Samantha