96 yourfamily.co.zaUsing CHOICE
PARENTING AUTHOR KEN RESNICK’S
ALTERNATE APPROACH TO CONFLICT
AND BEHAVIOUR SHEDS LIGHT ON
THE PROBLEM OF ‘HELPLESS KIDS’
P
ossibly one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is
guiding your children while instilling correct behaviour
and values in their lives. As your kids grow, they begin to
develop their own ideas and beliefs on how things should be
done and how they should behave. You may even find yourself
at loggerheads with them, as your expectations and their beliefs
conflict with each other.
Ken believes you, the parent, should always be the primary
educator in your child’s life. Having assessed over 1 500 learners
over the last 20 years, Ken found the following to be true:
Learners tended to only do what they enjoyed.
They lacked perseverance.
They often opted out.
They exhibited a fear of failure.
They had a lack of will when accepting a challenge.
His research showed children with a low self-esteem and
a lack of confidence who developed what Ken calls a pattern of
learned helplessness.LEARNED BEHAVIOUR
Ken believes the message children are unfortunately being
given is that you don’t need to put in required effort as there will
always be someone to bail you out. ‘We’re teaching kids how
to become helpless because they’re given the message that it’s
permissible to give up, opt out and then depend on someone
else (sometimes the parent) to help them.’ When questioning
the parents of these children, Ken found that clear rules with
consistent consequences were usually not in place. Inconsistent
parenting resulted in uncooperative children.WHAT TO TEACH THEM
There are definite lessons you can teach your child in order
to help them be well adjusted and independent in the world.
These lessons form the basis of Ken’s SmartChoiceParenting
Programme (SCPP), outlined in his new book Parenting Decoded
(Kwarts Publishing).
The key, according to Ken, is to understand that every child is
born with a passion and desire to explore. ‘By understanding thisChildren as
young as six are
being prescribed
antidepressants.as a TOOL
basic aspect of a child’s mind,
parents will be able to encourage
him to explore his world and learn on
his own.’
Teach them self-confidence from
an early age by allowing them to play
on their own. Find activities they can
comfortably do on their own such as
puzzles and building blocks. ‘Many
parents think they must spend a
great deal of “quality time” with their
child. However, the best quality time
a parent can give a toddler involves
providing him with a safe and secure
environment in which to grow. This doesn’t mean parents should
never spend one-on-one time with their child, but rather that
parents should balance the attention they give against the time
the child can spend exploring and discovering his world on his
own,’ says Ken.