18 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
We often choose mates who remind us of our parents and then
transfer to our mates the feelings we felt toward our parents.
Whether we want to or not, many of us end up with marital rela-
tionships that mirror our parents’ marriages.
As rudimentary as it may sound, it really helps to really know
the person you marry. Far too many folks enter a marriage based
on an initial infatuation. Although I hate to downplay the impor-
tance of “raw romance,” it’s probably wiser to pair up in a prag-
matic relationship that makes good logical and common sense
(i.e., comparable family and social backgrounds, educations and
values). Why do you think those insightful Asian cultures empha-
sized arranged marriages rather than leaving it up to the guess-
work of the couples themselves?
Major differences between spouses can turn marital bliss into
marital blisters. Women are generally more emotional and empa-
thetic than men. Each gender has entirely different styles of com-
munication: men tend to focus on facts, whereas women tend
to focus on feelings. Marriages where there is power sharing, in
which both partners are relatively independent, and in which
both partners have well developed nonviolent conflict resolution
skills tend to be the least stressful and most satisfying.
Now here’s a Big Shocker. It turns out that men and women
truly are hard-wired to be very different creatures indeed. So, if
you are going to try to understand relationships, it is crucial to
understand the basic differences between men and women in gen-
eral—and especially their vastly different communication styles
in particular. Let’s start with a quick overview of two excellent
books that explore these differences. The first is Dr. John Gray’s
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I think by now virtu-
ally everybody on the planet has probably heard of John Gray—
he’s kind of the acknowledged expert on the differing communi-
cation styles between men and women. He’s a fabulous speaker,
and I’ve met with him in Hawai‘i, so I’ve gotten to know his work
fairly well over the years.
Dr. Gray’s Mars/Venus book has probably generated the most
notoriety, but let me also recommend one other fabulous book
on this topic as well: this one is called “Why Men Don’t Listen and