20 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
regard to the sexual arena, but I am referring to all aspects of com-
munication in general. He ought to somehow just know when she
is in a bad mood; he ought to understand her; he ought to know
that she needs reassuring. And, she doesn’t really want to have
to ask him for any of this.
Regarding communication, the male motto is “don’t speak
unless you have something to say.” Guys feel like once we get to
a complacent “status quo/maintenance” level in a relationship,
then obviously it goes without saying that we’re happy. I mean,
nobody’s complaining... so, by definition, our marriage must
be a decent one.
As Dr. Gray points out, for women, communication is not just
the need to make a point. She just wants to share and connect. For
her, communication is not just sharing of information. It is shar-
ing of herself... it is the very basis for intimacy.
Other psychologists take views that differ from those of John
Gray, so let me briefly describe Dr. John Gottman and an institute
called the Love Lab that he runs at the University of Washington.
As we’ll see, Dr. Gottman takes a very different approach than
that of John Gray.
Based on his two decades of intensely hands on, very clinical
and scientifically oriented research that focuses largely on human
biology, Gottman claims to be able to predict divorce with 90 per-
cent accuracy. He has essentially brought science to the aid of
matrimony.
Dr. Gottman contends that the single biggest factor in marital
success is a husband’s willingness to accept the controlling influ-
ence of his wife. In a way, that may mean almost letting her domi-
nate the relationship. Gottman feels that a husband’s failure to let
his wife control things within the marriage is the single biggest
predictor of divorce.
Although Dr. Gottman’s findings always generate groans
from the guys when I mention them in my lectures, they actu-
ally make some sense to me because I know from my experience
as a divorce lawyer that it is usually the wife who brings marital
issues to the table for discussion. She is the one who generally
sets the social and interpersonal agendas within the relationship.