Some Basic Background 29
- Develop two-way communication skills. Practice John Gray’s
reflective listening. After your spouse has told you some-
thing, rephrase and follow up on what he or she has said.
This will make your spouse feel good by showing that
you’ve actually heard what they are saying; that you are
really listening.
My marriage counselor friend Dr. Diana Wiley has a cou-
ple of favorite sayings that I think are insightful. She defines
romance as paying “ingenious loving attention.” She also
contends that the two key qualities that make a man totally
irresistible are “basic human kindness” and good “listening
and communications skills.” So, guys, when your gal rags
about her day, don’t just grunt. Instead, respond with some-
thing at least semi-empathetic like: “Wow, it sounds like the
kids really gave you the run around today.” - Don’t yield up your own life to your kids. The single most impor-
tant factor in having happy children is to be happy in your
relationship with your spouse. If the two of you feel close to
each other and are supportive of one another, then your chil-
dren will feel secure. A marriage counselor friend of mine
advises his clients that they should put their first dollar of
disposable money into getting a baby sitter so they could
have “date nights” out—doing this even before paying pri-
vate school tuition. - All marriages have conflicts. It’s not the absence of conflict,
but learning how to resolve conflicts, that makes the dif-
ference between successful and unsuccessful relationships.
And remember, some conflicts are resolvable just by identi-
fying them.
Here are my two simple but very effective Tips on Resolv-
ing Conflicts. (1) Discussing a problem right when it’s hap-
pening guarantees a more heated argument... don’t do it.
Instead, schedule a specific discussion time for a bit later
following a “cool down” period. (2) Don’t get into heated
arguments with your spouse (or anyone else for that matter)
when talking over the telephone. Conflicts are much bet-
ter resolved in person because it’s generally much harder to
say really nasty stuff face to face than it is over the phone.