28 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
lawyer. This is sort of my own personal list derived from various
sources and from my more than thirty years in the field of deal-
ing with relationships. Several of the observations in this list are
based on an excellent book entitled The Perfect Marriage by Hilary
Rich and Dr. Helaina Kravtiz and/or from the sage advice of one
of my favorite “relationships counselors,” Dr. Diana Wiley.
- Strive for real physical and emotional intimacy. Intimacy is
the emotional, connective tissue in a relationship. In Latin,
Intima = the innermost layer of an organ—the very wall of a
blood vessel. I can’t think of anything more core than that.
Remember that, as Love Lab pioneer Dr. John Gottman
states, 70 percent of both husbands and wives say it is the
quality of the friendship they share with their spouses that is
the determining factor in how satisfied they are with the sex,
romance and passion in their marriages. Also remember that
studies have shown that 60 percent of wives consider them-
selves to be “relationship-centered” vs. only 40 percent of
husbands (who tend to be more work and achievement cen-
tered). But take heed, guys, and work to change that behav-
ior, because studies have also shown that once the actual
threat of losing their marriage occurs, it turns out that men
generally need marriage much more than women do. - Make the ordinary extraordinary. Do at least one nice “spe-
cial” thing a day for your spouse. Greet each other warmly.
Stop whatever activity you are doing... often it’s turning off
the T.V. (not just hitting mute for a minute) and physically
walking to the door to greet your spouse. When your spouse
walks in the door, take his or her coat and ask if he or she
would like something to drink. Take a few minutes to find
out how your spouse’s day was. Keep that T.V. off for a few
minutes—it can be a real relationship killer. - Keep the passion alive. Create special “date time” together.
Every once in awhile be sure to take out your photo albums
and review them together. Build and imbue each other with
a sense of marital history. Think of ways to surprise your
mate. Stick a love note in your spouse’s pocket, on his pillow,
or in her lingerie drawer.