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2019realized that everything the boy did
— both good and bad — was about
how she would feel,” he explains.
In schools without small learning
environments, parents can leverage
the role of counselors. Encourage
your child to spend time getting to
know their teachers and coaches,
too, and help them identify potential
mentors.
Help them relate to peers
Tweens need to feel they belong,
and community circles allow them
to share their feelings and perspec-
tives with peers in a moderated
environment, says Nathan Maynard,
chief executive of BehaviorFlip and
co-author of “Hacking School Disci-
pline.” “ For kids who struggle to use
their voice, it’s a way to open the
door to communication,” he adds.
Though developing a sense of be-
longing might seem like a touchy-
feely goal, “tweens don’t l earn if they
don’t feel safe,” s ays Brad Weinstein,
co-author of “Hacking School Disci-
pline” a nd chief innovation officer of
BehaviorFlip.
Parents can help socially strug-
gling kids outside of school by en-
rolling children in activities that
align with their strengths and inter-
ests. This gives them an opportunity
to practice social skills with like-
minded kids. Encourage them to
maintain bonds with friends from
other environments, such as a sports
team, summer camp or religious
youth group.Build in opportunities for play
Middle schoolers are still kids,
and they need time to play and
decompress, but they’re also young
adolescents who yearn for more au-
tonomy. In schools with no recess,
“there’s a mismatch — would-be
young adults seated in a classroom,
with little authority of their own,”
says Lenore Skenazy, a co-founder of
Let Grow, a nonprofit that helps
schools incorporate more free play.
Free play is “how they l earn t o deal
with frustration, make friends, read
people, hold themselves together...
and get to feel joy,” s he adds.
When middle schools carve out
unstructured time for kids to move,
it improves the social dynamics and
helps kids focus, Vroman says. At her
last school, the eighth-grade boys
and girls would play basketball
against one another every day dur-
ing recess. “Usually they didn’t i nter-
mix — even in class — so that pickup
game of basketball let them connect
in ways they otherwise wouldn’t.”
Parents can avoid overscheduling
kids by cutting back on organized
activities and identifying ways to
give them more freedom.Make it safe to fail
Tweens are insecure, and any sort
of mistake can feel like a catastro-
phe. To teach them to fail and recov-
er, let them know that everyone feels
self-conscious and struggles at
times.
Ivanhoe Girls’ Grammar School in
Melbourne, Australia, devotes an
entire week to failure. On Monday,
the teachers project their biggest
blunders onto a screen. For the rest
of the week, the students learn skills
such as juggling and reciting medi-
eval poetry, then they perform this
in front of a packed auditorium. The
kids learn to laugh at themselves
when they mess up.
Parents can share their biggest
mistakes with kids, then explain how
they regrouped. If your child is feel-
ing embarrassed or disappointed
about a setback, encourage reflec-
tion. Ask, “What did you learn about
yourself from the experience?” In-
stead of focusing on the outcome,
praise them for taking a risk.
If parents and educators celebrate
kids’ unevenness, address their dis-
tinct developmental needs, and
coach them through the inevitable
ups and downs of middle school,
these years can not only be tolerable
— they can be a time of joy and
self-discovery.
[email protected]Tweens are
insecure, and any
sort of mistake
can feel like a
catastrophe. To
teach them to fail
and recover, let
them know
everyone feels
self-conscious
and struggles
at times.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY DELPHINE LEE FOR THE WASHINGTON POST