Without warning my
mood crashed. I hid in
my room, scared to bump
into anyone and have to
explain why my behaviour
had changed so drastically.
I dropped out of
university in the first year,
desperately depressed.
My life became a cycle
of churning moods –
from ecstatically high
to incredibly low, and
seemed to be controlled by
them. I studied childcare
at college, but became
angry and combative
towards my lecturers. I
ended up walking out in
a fit of rage, two months
before graduating. Luckily,
I found an apprenticeship
in childcare.
This was when I
first started taking
antidepressants. But
instead of stabilising
me, they made me
feel superhuman and I
would stop taking them,
convinced everything was
all right.
I had two serious
relationships, which
both ended because they
couldn’t deal with how
much I would change,
month by month. They
never knew which Katie
they were going to get.I started to believe that I
was a broken person, who
was intrinsically flawed
and would never find
happiness. Then I started
seeing Jimi when I was 23.
We instantly clicked. He
had a calming influence
and wouldn’t overreact
at my sometimes bizarre
behaviour. We moved in
together and I started
as a family worker for
a group of children’s
centres – a job I was
passionate about, making
a difference.
From the outside I
seemed to have a perfect
life, but inside I was
struggling. Doctors
didn’t understand why
my physical health was
suffering, or why I kept
coming back depressed
and exhausted.
The voices in my head
grew louder and more
intrusive. When I was
depressed, I would lie in
bed begging them to go
away. Sometimes they
would urge me to be more
impulsive, more reckless.
These voices filled me
with confidence and a
surge of adrenaline. They
became a major part of
my life and I missed them
when they were gone.My life had changed at- Although I was living
in a stable, caring family
home, I became severely
depressed. It had been
building for months, and I
became more withdrawn;
I didn’t understand why I
felt numb and worthless,
or why I no longer cared
if I was alive. I ended up
not going to school for six
months. But then I saw
Katie married her partner
Jimi in 2015a psychologist and felt I
could speak openly about
my feelings. I wanted to
get better, which was vital
to the process.
Yet something strange
happened when I
returned to school. I
became increasingly
confident, loud and brash- everyone noticed, but
I felt like nothing was
wrong. I felt the best I
ever had.
I decided to go to
university, and that’s
where my behaviour and
moods started to unravel.
I would sleep less than
three hours a night, hardly
ate, and started to hear
voices. I would go out
partying, straight to my
job at 5am, then lectures,
and start all over again
that night. I never felt
tired, just full of life.
38 • happiful.com • September 2019