The Washington Post - 29.08.2019

(Joyce) #1

the washington post


.

thursday, august


29


,


2019


DC

14


BY MEGHAN LEAHY


Q: We’ve been taking a very laid-
back approach with our 3-year-old. I
call it the third-child method of
parenting. But it’s time to face the
reality that our little roommate
needs more structure and guidance
as he moves into the next stages of
his life. My husband HATES being
told what to do, especially with
parenting. He wants to just float
along and as long as our child isn’t
murdering someone, he thinks we’re
doing enough. But it’s really time to
make some moves on potty training,
table manners, etc. and be more
cognizant about conversations and
behavior in front of this little sponge.
How can I help my husband realize
the importance of intentional
parenting?

A: There are many questions within this
one question, and I am unsure of what
to tackle first. Almost every parent gets
to the point where they have one of two
realizations: You are either holding too
many or too few boundaries with your
little one. I never fault parents for either
of these. How are you supposed to
know? Parenting is an ever-changing
landscape, and you are growing and
changing as much as your child. So,
congratulations, you have learned that
you need to tighten the reins a bit.
Welcome to the club.
It does concern me that you seem to
have two 3-year-olds under your roof:
your child and your husband. One of the
most prominent traits of a 3-year-old is
what developmental psychologist
Gordon Neufeld calls counterwill.
Counterwill is the natural human
inclination to resist being bossed
around, and we see it in young children
all the time. It is an important part of
the developmental process; a young
child cannot become their own person
unless they constantly say “NO!” Want to
walk to the car? No! Want to get into the
tub? No! Want to get dressed? No! It is
so typical for the age that I have yet to
read a development book or talk to a
pediatrician who doesn’t mention it.

And because all of these “No’s” are a
challenge to parents, we have to figure
out when to hold on to our boundaries
while still finding ways to connect, say
yes and have fun. Through tears and
connection, most humans grow into
people who can handle the ups and
downs of life. But sometimes (quite
often, in fact) there are adults who,
despite having successes in many
aspects of their lives, still manage to
have a great deal of counterwill.
I am unsure if you are being
facetious or serious when you say
your husband hates being told what
to do, “especially with parenting.” But
if you aren’t kidding? You have a long
road ahead of you, and here’s why: If
the standard is “my child isn’t
murdering anyone, so let’s float
along,” I am afraid it will be left to
you to do the heavy lifting of
parenting. And guess what that will
lead to? Resentment. I am never going
to suggest that every parent is on the
same page (I am thrilled if they are in
the same book), but actively resisting
any change in parenting that requires
more than “floating along” is a recipe
for disaster.
Do I think you need to do everything
you listed in this letter, all at once? No.

You don’t need to go from utterly
relaxed to full-court press. But allowing
your 3-year-old free rein isn’t the happy
middle here. Your son needs boundaries
now so that he can handle trials later.
He needs to hear “no” and “not now” so
that he respects others saying those
words. Though I think you are up to the
challenge of helping your son adapt, the
relationship you really need to work on
is your marriage. Co-parenting with
someone who refuses to change or do
what is best for their child is a serious
problem, and I strongly recommend
seeing a good marriage therapist if your
spouse refuses to budge (either with
him or alone).
Get your communication to a place
where your husband’s counterwill
doesn’t hijack the family, because
having to parent a stubborn child and a
stubborn adult is not what you signed
up for (I hope).
Good luck.

 Also at washingtonpost.com Read the
transcript of a recent live Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where you can
also find past columns. Her next chat is
scheduled for Sept. 11.
 Send questions about parenting to
[email protected].

ON PARENTING

How to parent a 3-year-old when your husband resists structure


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