A
n estimated 42% of
marriages in the UK
now end in divorce,
with about half of
these expected to
occur in the first 10
years of marriage. Alongside this,
around 62% of women initiate
divorce – it's said that they notice
the problems sooner. Yet men
remarry more quickly, as they are
usually confronted with greater
emotional adjustment issues.
That said, 31% of all second
marriages will also fail.
These are truly sobering
statistics, yet divorce rates are
slowing down, year on year. So
why is this? Divorce is not only a
financial stress but emotionally
damaging, and not a decision
taken lightly.
While the legal and financial
processes associated with
divorce are not necessarily easy
to navigate, thankfully there are
systems in place to help guide you
through each stage.
In contrast, the emotional
journey of separation and divorce
is all too often neglected. The
impact on your mental health and
wellbeing can feel overwhelming,
as you attempt to adjust and adapt
to changes that you may feel you
have little control over.
PARTING WAYS
Once the decision to separate
has been made, often the impact
ripples out further throughout
the lives of those involved. The
stresses and strains can be felt by
family and friends, which may in
turn create additional pressure
on your day-to-day relationships.
It comes as no surprise, then, to
learn that divorce is listed as the
second most stressful life event,
after the death of a loved one.
Much of my work as a
psychotherapist and counsellor
is spent helping clients work
through emotional issues in
their relationships. When a
person finally makes the difficult
decision to separate, or divorce
a partner, I am often asked how
long the actual process will take
for them to recover. Statistics
show that it can take up to two
years to get over a divorce or
separation. However, we are all
different, so for some this can
take considerably longer.
The significant changes that
take place in your life during this
period can often feel chaotic,
traumatic, and filled with
contradictory
emotions. The
process can at
times feel much
harder to adjust
to than initially
imagined.
Some days
you may feel
hopeful, and
even relieved,
to be out of it,
especially if your marriage or
relationship has been difficult for
a long time. Other days you may
feel angry, sad, lonely, confused
or anxious. These are all normal
emotions and it is especially
important that you take extra care
of yourself during this time.MOVING FORWARD
Prioritising your own needs is
vital, particularly if anyone is
dependent on you. As difficult
as this can be when you
have so many overwhelming
responsibilities, it is important
to remind yourself that it will be
harder to look after your children
or pets, or other family members,if you don’t look after yourself to
begin with.
An important step towards
recovery, will also be in giving
yourself time and space to
understand what went wrong, as
is focusing on what you need to
do to help you let go of the past.
Looking forward to the future will
help stop you feeling stuck, and
more in control.
That said, with the end of any
relationship, it is natural that your
self-esteem and self-confidence
will feel at an all time low. When
you experience hurt, it is normal
to want to lash out and blame one
another, which will cause more
resentment and upset. It is all
too easy to get
trapped in a cycle
of blame and
fault-finding.
However once
you’ve agreed
to separate, it
might be more
helpful to focus
on what the
relationship was
lacking for both
of you. While the answers may be
upsetting, a better understanding
of what these are will allow you
both to move on.
The following tips may help you
to get through this difficult time,
and face the future with more
hope.1 Keep the lines of
communication open
Talking to your friends and
family could help stop you from
feeling isolated; it will also help
to keep things in perspective. It
is natural to feel that you are the
only one with problems and that
you are burdening others with
yours. >>>Giving yourself time
and space to
understand what
went wrong is an
important step
towards recovery