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WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Emotional intelligence was first described by Peter Salovey and
John Mayer, two Yale University psychologists in 1990. Emotional
intelligence refers to five main emotional competency areas:
Emotional self-awareness – Recognizing, naming and
understanding the cause of one’s feelings. For example, a child being
able to not only identify feeling “bad,” but also angry, hurt, jealous,
upset, sad or scared in various life situations.
Handling emotions appropriately – Demonstrating productive
options for managing stress and upsetting feelings rather than
“acting out” negatively, such as using words
rather than fists to express anger.
Self-motivation – Thinking, planning and
solving problems by using impulse control,
frustration tolerance, and delayed gratification
to reach a specific goal (e.g., no TV until
homework is completed); and maintaining
hope and optimism, trying again despite
setbacks (e.g., a poor grade on a test leads to studying more, not
less).
Empathy – Recognizing and understanding emotions in others.
If one child is able to care about how another is feeling, teasing or
picking fights with unsuspecting victims can be drastically reduced.
Social skills – Handling emotions in
relationships and interacting harmoniously with
others, including being sensitive to the needs
and wants of others, being able to listen to
and empathize with the feelings of others, and
developing what is considered good “people skills.”
The concept of emotional intelligence captures
in one compelling term the essence of what our
children need to know to be productive and happy.
Intellectual ability is not enough. As Goleman
points out, IQ and SAT scores don’t predict who
will be successful in life. Even school success has
been predicted more by emotional and social
measures (e.g., being self-assured and interested,
following directions, turning to teachers for help,
and expressing needs while getting along with
other children) than by academic ability.
HOW TO GET IT
To understand how to develop emotional intelligence, we’ll take
a look at anger management, one of the most important skills
for our children (and us) to master. Goleman cites research that
shows many children who are aggressive and hard to handle in
the first and second grades tend to have a five-fold increase in
truancy, drinking, taking drugs, dropping out, and committing
petty crime in their high school years.
Think about the last time your child exploded in anger:
When his sister grabbed the remote control and changed the TV
station? When her younger brother burst into
her room and bothered her friends? How did you
react? Calmly and reasonably, or did you explode
back? If we lose control when our children do,
what are we really teaching them?
The good news is that we have the power
to change and grow, both in our actions and
in helping our children develop competent
emotional skills. Consider a six-year old boy who’s been having
a lot of trouble getting along with his three-year-old sister, and
who initially had difficulty expressing his feelings. With some
simple training and direction, he was able to develop a repertoire
of positive coping skills and resolve his dilemma.
The concept of emotional
intelligence captures
in one compelling term
the essence of what our
children need to know to
be productive and happy.
e
Respond rather than react. Once
they get a handle on the root
cause of a negative emotion, they
typically respond with a patient, “keep
calm” approach.
r
Show up with their real selves.
They face difficult people and
situations with emotional honesty and
transparency.
THINGS PEOPLE WITH HIGH EQ DO WELL
t
Think before they speak. They
gather their thoughts before
they speak, which gives them the
chance to quickly assess the costs
and benefits of their actions and make
more careful choices.
u
Handle tough situations better.
They stay calm and positive
through tough conversations, and
set boundaries with people during
unhealthy conflicts.
i
Practice self-control. They’re
more present, calm and focused
during times of high stress, necessary
skills with long-term payoffs.
o
Look at the whole picture.
They’re able to see both sides of
an issue and tap into their feelings and
those of others to choose a different
and better outcome.
Source: Inc.com