Australian Men’s Fitness – September 2019

B

Believe it or not, there was a time when heroin was considered a brilliant and

effective cough medicine, so named because it made you feel heroic. Dabs of

cocaine could be used to numb your child’s toothache, arsenic could right the

effects of your sexual indiscretions and cigarettes made you look sexy while simultaneously

curing your respiratory issues. Read on to find out what other preposterous health

claims were made by five products that turned out to be really, really bad for people.

Soft drink

These days, babies

have three basic

liquid options:

breast milk, formula

and plain boring

water. It’s a no-frills

situation that 7Up

attempted to remedy

in the 1950s with

images of newborns

downing fizzy pop

with a tagline reading

“Nothing does it

like Seven-Up!” It

even attempted

to concoct non-

alcoholic cocktails,

mixing their drink

with milk to make

it even more baby-

friendly. Thankfully,

someone saw

sense and the

campaign was sent

to wherever it is that

bad ads go to die.

Doughnuts

Brainchild of The

Doughnut Corp of

America in 1941,

Vitamin Doughnuts

promised “PEP and

VIGOR”, thanks to

“25 units of Vitamin

B1” to help meet the

needs of people

during wartime.

They would have got

away with it, too,

were it not for the

unblinking faces

they encountered

at the War Food

Administration.

SWEET

STUPIDITY

WHAT THE...?

Cocaine

n In a hugely ironic
twist, cocaine was
used in dandruff
treatments until the
early 1900s, and it
was also a known
remedy for toothache
among children
and their suddenly
wired parents. One
US advert insisted
that your Cocaine
Toothache Drops
(available for just
15 cents) were an
“Instantaneous Cure!”

• presumably for any
  humility problems
  you might be having.
  Cocaine began
  appearing in many
  products, but was
  quickly phased out
  in the 1920s when
  long-term users
  started showing
  signs of extreme
  arrogance and
  bad mental health.

Heroin

n German chemist

Heinrich Dreser of

the drugs company

Bayer deserves

some gratitude for

inventing aspirin,

which has been

treating headaches

and fevers for years.

However, he also

invented heroin – one

of the most addictive

substances known

to humankind. It

was introduced as

a cough medicine

and painkiller in the

1890s, with an extra

benefit – according to

Dreser – that it wasn’t

habit-forming.

That was until the

early 20th century,

when users began

plundering scrap

metal to fund their

addictions – hence

the term “junkie”

• and in 1913 the
  company pulled its
  blockbuster product
  from the market.

Meth

n In hindsight, we

know that too much

meth will hyper-age

your face, leaving you

looking not unlike

a mummified Mother

Teresa. It’s a cruel,

restless drug that

first surfaced around

1887 when a Japanese

boffin discovered

a chemical similar

to adrenaline while

toiling in his lab. In the

mid-20th century,

it was marketed as

Norodin, with the

promise of relieving

mild depression with

zero consequences.

It became popular

with people looking

to increase their

energy levels and to

stay alert, but as it

happens there were

massive side effects,

including insomnia,

heart attacks, even

bigger bouts of

depression and the

aforementioned

ugliness. Hence

why Norodin is no

longer available in the

“Narcotics” aisle at

your local chemist.

THE LAST GASP

n Cigarettes, now notorious

for staining your teeth,

making you smell like an

overflowing ashtray and

dramatically increasing

your cancer options, were

first sold by a man called

Washington Duke, who

peddled pre-rolled smokes

to Civil War soldiers from

his farm in North Carolina

in 1865. In the first half of

the 20th century, ciggies

were seen as a cure

for asthma, were often

endorsed by doctors for

respiratory complaints,

and were promoted by the

great celebs of the time,

including film stars John

Wayne and Betty Grable

• who both died of lung
  cancer, BTW – and cartoon
  character Fred Flintstone.

Science finally delivered the

inevitable throat punch in

1965 when the proven link

between smoking and lung

cancer meant the tobacco

industry was legally bound

to include a health warning.

Washington Duke’s success

as a tobacconist, however,

did lead to the creation of

Duke University in the US.

So that’s something, at least.

1 3

Arsenic

n Arsenic was

reportedly used by

Emperor Nero to

off his stepbrother

Britannicus, then

by numerous pro

poisoners through the

centuries – as it was

almost undetectable,

it was ideal for

murdering people.

Its popularity rose to

the point where it was

considered effective

enough as a medicine

to treat malaria and

sleeping sickness in

the form of Fowler’s

Solution, invented by

UK doc Thomas Fowler

in 1786. The solution

stretched its glowing

credentials to boast a

treatment for asthma,

eczema, heartburn

and some cancers,

and is still used today

as a medical treatment

• thankfully only
  in small, non-
  murderous doses.

2 4 5

Opium

n Looking to relieve

pain? Feeling a bit

nervous? If this

were the mid-

1800s, you’d reach

for Dr McMunn’s

Elixir of Opium

and you’d be right

as rain in no time.

And you’d also

possibly be hooked

on opium, which

had been giving

with one hand

and taking away

with about 10

others since first

referenced in 3400

BC. In Victorian

society, it was

commonly used to

treat women who

felt a bit down, and

it was a favourite

of Sir Arthur

Conan Doyle’s

famous fictional

sleuth Sherlock

Holmes. Once its

powers of curing

depression were

found to be bogus

• they actually
  made it worse


• its medicinal
  popularity waned.

Heroin for a cough, cocaine for

toothache, 7Up for your baby’s

bottle. Ah, the good old days...

SEPTEMBER 2019 MEN’S FITNESS 43