Your Family – September 2019

SEPTEMBER 2019 77

FEATURE: CAITLIN GENG PHOTO: STOCK.ADOBE.COM

PARENTING

blue in the face that swearing, for example, doesn’t

‘technically’ break the rules.

THEY KNOW HOW TO PUSH BUTTONS

Teens are master manipulators. Picture the scene:

you’ve asked your stepdaughter several times to

clean up her room – and she still hasn’t. As you

begin to show your annoyance, she declares:

‘You’re not my real mom!’ Teens understand where

to apply pressure to engage your emotions, which

in turn clouds your judgement and makes following

through on your part more unlikely. As a result,

your authority in your role as a parent suffers. In

this situation, the teen might storm back to her

bedroom, having drawn out feelings of guilt – and

without having cleaned up her room.

THEY INTERPRET

DISOBEDIENCE AS POWER

Feeling powerful is addictive and when a teen

realises they’re able to control the mood and

atmosphere of the household through their extreme

behaviour, they’re using the power of adulthood

without being developmentally mature enough to

do so. Between the ages of 12 and 18, kids should

be focusing their energy on school, friends and

dating, planning for their futures in education and

work, and simply on being youngsters. When their

energy’s directed towards exerting control over

the adults around them instead, they’re not only

making your life more difficult, but are also making

life less enjoyable and healthy for themselves.

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

Out-of-control teens get caught in a loop of instant

gratification, rarely thinking past the next day and

viewing consequences as an abstract, which is

another reason to clarify exactly what constitutes

rule-breaking and the punishments they’ll incur.

Laying down boundaries isn’t easy in today’s world,

but if you’re consistent and follow through with the

right consequences, it can begin to break through

and disrupt the cycle of rebellious behaviour.

PEER PRESSURE

Your teen’s peers have an extremely strong hold

over them. The difficulty and dissonance of living

between childhood and adulthood brings with it

hypersensitivity to criticism, loneliness and wanting

to be accepted. If your teen’s social group has

generally good morals and values, it can help them

thrive. However, a peer group with poor values

who exhibit negative behaviour can be a disastrous

influence on your teen. Fear of rejection can push

teens into behaving in ways they probably wouldn’t

do alone or in different company.

Whenteensmisbehavetothe

extreme,they’realsomissingout

onjustbeingkids.They’velost

theconnectiontotheirsoftside

andcutthemselvesofffrombeing

nurtured.Thisisoftenthemost

devastatingaspectofparentinga

waywardteen,alongwithworrying

abouttheirsafetyandhowthey’ll

successfullyembarkonadulthood

andhandlelivingontheirown.

It’seasytofeeldespondent,

believingtherearenomoreavenues

availableforyoutotry.However,

Sellshighlightstheimportanceof

reframingtheissueforyourself

andtakingcharge.Beginbylaying

downclear,unambiguousrules.

Forinstance,ifyourteen’srefusing

tocleantheirroom,addthisto

thecontractinawaythatcan’tbe

misinterpreted.Breaktheruledown

intosmallerdetails,suchas:

Sarah’sroomwillbeconsidered

cleanonlyif:

Everypieceofclothingispicked

upoffthefloor,cupboardfloor

andallitemsoffurnitureand

placedinthelaundrybasketin

theroom.

Nofooditemsordirtydishes

ofanykindareinanypartof

theroom.

Thebedismadetoher

parents’satisfaction.

Cleanclothesarehunguporput

awayneatly.

Thefloorisvacuumed.

Alltowelsarehungupin

thebathroom.

Thesetasksarecompletedand

readyforinspectionat6pm.

Onceyou’veimplemented

concrete,well-definedrules

inawrittencontract,followup

withconsequencesthatare

justasconcrete.Sellssuggests

thefollowing:

USE OF PHONES: Friends and

social media interaction are

extremely important to teens,

so removing a way to access

them can be a very effective

consequenceandonethey’ll

wanttoavoid.

LIMITING FREEDOM: Being

grounded, forbidden to attend

parties or having Internet

privileges revoked are also

gooddeterrents.

LOOSENING RESTRICTIONS:

Positive consequences are

just as important as negative

ones. Modifying past rules – for

example, extending their curfew

• can help them feel trusted and
  aware they’re being treated more
  likeanadult.
  EARNING TRUST: Providing
  ways for them to earn back trust
  after an incident can make all the
  difference and provides a sense
  ofresponsibilityfortheiractions.
  SPENDING TIME TOGETHER:
  While they’re unlikely to admit it,
  spending time with their parents
  matters to teens. Although they
  might act tough, it’s important to
  remember that teens are at the
  crossroads between childhood
  and adulthood and still require
  nurturing, despite their grown-
  up posturing.

Teens often push boundaries in

order to receive attention. One of

the most valuable lessons you can

teach your teen is that positive

attention is far more desirable than

negative attention. Eventually,

they’ll begin to make the distinction

between the two and strive to act in

a way that earns trust, respect and

the privilege of being treated more

like an adult. Remember, the goal

isn’t to threaten a misbehaving teen

with terrifying consequences, but

to provide clear boundaries and a

way back to their softer side. What’s

important is that you follow through

with consequences, whether

positive or negative, without fail.

Go online

to read Do

You React

or Respond?

ADDRESSING OUT-OF-CONTROL BEHAVIOUR