Demolitionman
A man with Chorlton’s green fi nger
and eye for landscape design an
garden creation is always in demand
and the very next day, Wheelie foun
himself in the back garden of a terrace
house on the Callon estate, tasked wit
blowtorching a load of weeds and nettlesThe house had been empty fo
the thick end of a year and th
yard was like a jungle. The new owners- a busty redhead and her boyfriend -
wanted it cleared so they could pave it
over to park their caravan on.
I quickly set to my task of clearing
the weeds with my paraffin burner. It
was hot work, and I was very grateful
after half an hour or so when the bird
came out with a refreshing can of lager
for me. As I stood necking my drink, I
looked her up and down. She was good
looking, in an obvious sort of way, with
big tits, long legs, and a smashing arse,
butshewasn’treallymytype.Ihadtook
my shirt off, and I could feel her eyeing
me up in my sweaty vest, like I was
Bruce Willis.‘Ilikethewayyouhandlethatparaffin
burner,’ she said breathily,running her
fingers up and down my bicep. ‘You’re
clearly very good with your hands. Why
don’t you come in the house and show
me what else you can do with them?’barney
I know a chat-up line when I hear one,
but I’m a professional. I just wanted to
get the gardening job done and head off
backhomeformytea.Shedidn’tlooktoo
happy when I knocked back her advance,
andasI fireduptheparaffinburnerandset
about the next patch of weeds, she slunk
moodilybackintothehouse.To be frank, I didn’t give that bird’s
clumsy pass a second thought until I
got back home. Once again, there was
a police car parked
outside my house. ‘Oh
no, here we go again,’I
thoughttomyself.Iwastakenbacktothe
station and charged with
voyeurism. The woman
had told the tit-heads that
I’d climbed up a ladder
outside the house to
spy on her on the toilet.
The coppers even hada
photograph she’d given
them, of me poking my
head through the open
toilet window.She had clearly
knocked it up with
photoshop, because
I would swear on my
kids’ lives, if I had any,that I never went up th
fair, she’d made a good job of faking
up the evidence on her computer. The
lightingandperspectivewereverygood,
and she’d even got reflections in the
glassandeverything.Mybriefturnedup
at the station, and told me that expertly
doctored photographic evidence is very
hard tofight in court, and the easiest
thing would just be to admit it.Reluctantly, I took his advice.
I also asked for fifteen other cases of
voyeurism, which I also didn’t do,
tobetakenintoconsideration.The first two false allegations against
Chorlton were just the start of his
troubles. Over the next few weeks, he
refused to give in to the sexual whims
of even more of his attractive female
clients, and found himself accused of- Exposing his genitals, which were
accurately described after his
accuser somehow obtained his
medical records - Breaking into a garage and stealing
a lawnmower, which coincidentally
matched one he bought from a
second-hand shop on his way
home that very evening - Taking a large number of “up-skirt”
photographs, which his clients had
taken themselves and somehow
downloaded onto his mobile phone
Oilingthedeck
Not surprisingly, the heartless vendetta
being conducted by all of Chorlton’s
attractive female customers was
beginning to have an effect on his
business. A booking to re-model
Capability Brown’s formal gardens
at Chatsworth House and another to
makeover the BluePeter Italian sunken
garden were both suddenly cancelled
without explanation. However, a slightly
smaller job to re-creosote an area of
decking behind a council house on one
of the estates in Ribbleton went ahead.It was a terrible job, because the
bird whose house it was had had
a problem with rats. She’d put poison
out, and there were now a load of dead
onesunderherdecking,soIhadtopoke
out as many as I could reach with a
brushhandlebeforeIcouldstartthejob.
Itwasahorriblejobtodofortwenty-five
quid, but I needed the money to pay off
a fine for something I hadn’t done, and I
quickly worked up quite a sweat.Itwasahotday,andwhenI’dcleared
the rats from under about half the
decking, the bird came out to do a spot
of sunbathing. I took a moment while I
was putting some rats in a bin-bag to
lookherupanddown.Isupposealotof
blokes would have found her attractive,
what with her blonde hair and fairly big
knockers, but she didn’t do a lot for me.Sheclimbedontothesunloungerona
bit of the decking I’d already creosoted,
laid down on her front and reached
round to undo the straps on her bikini
top. ‘Excuse me Chorlton,’ she purred
seductively. ‘Would you come over here
andrubsomesuncreamintomyback?’She turned round and winked. ‘And
when you’ve done that, I’ll turn over and
you can do my tits and all.’charlie
Isupposemanymenmighthavebeen
tempted at the prospect of being paid
twenty-five quid to spend the afternoon
massagingoilintothiswoman’sshapely
knockers, but her invitation frankly left
me cold. She simply wasn’t my type.
And anyway, I still had a load of decking
left to creosote.After I had passed up on her sexy
invitation, despite it being a sunny
afternoon, the atmosphere in the garden
turn distinctly frosty. In fact, the sexy
bird completely ignored me for the rest
oftheafternoonasIworkedawayather
decking, and didn’t say a word to me
as I picked up my tools and bin-bags of
dead rats to leave.Later that night, there was a knock
at the door. It was the police, and they
wanted to know if I could help them with
their enquiries about a necklace andsomeringsthathadbeenreportedstolen
from the house where I’d been working.I
toldthemIcouldn’t;despitemyextensive
criminal record for dishonesty, I’m as
honest as the day is long.But my protestations of innocence fell on
deaf ears. They had a warrant, and quickly
foundthejewellerytheywerelookingfor.You
couldhaveknockedmedownwithafeather
when the coppers pulled the stolenTom out
of my back pocket.farnsbarns
I could only imagine that the bird with
big tits at the house had set me up as
revenge for me spurning her sexual
advances. Clearly, she must have
planted the jewellery in my trousers
when I was bending over to rake rats
from under the decking. Even worse,
she’d clearly gone to a lot of trouble to
frame me, even going so far as to leave
big, creosote boot-marks up the stairs
and across her bedroom carpet to the
dressing table under the window.She even denied having been sun-
bathing at all, saying that it was the
middle of November, and she had been
in town shopping when I broke into her
house. Which, as I say, I didn’t.My brief told me to plead guilty again,
as she had also somehow concocted
overwhelmingfingerprintevidenceagainst
me. The true tragedy of the situation is
that, if I could only have forced myself to
rubabitofsun-oilintothatbird’sbackand
tits, I would have saved myself an
awfullotofbother.Chorlton’s reputation has been so
tarnished by his spurned nympho
customers’ vindictive accusations that
he has decided to take a break from his
gardening business. “I’ve had enough,”
he told us. “In fact, this has all been so
upsetting for me that I’ve decided to leave
thePrestonareaforeighteenmonths.”“Or I might be back in twelve months
with good behaviour,”he added.SESEX- MADWOMEN!
Rat’s not theway to do it!Chortlon
smelled a rat when customer
expected extermination with benefits.Shed’s up:The outhouse basewasn’t
all that Wheeliewas expected to lay.‘‘
‘‘
‘‘
‘‘
She was good looking,
in an obvious sort of
way, with big tits, long
legs, and a smashing
arse, but she wasn’t
really my type.