Viz – September 2019

CIANS IN THE DOCK!

Defendant:Chuka Umunna

Party*:Liberal Democrats

Admitted Offence:Smoking

marijuana

Defendant:Andrea Leadsom

Party:Conservatives

Admitted Offence:Smoking

marijuana

“MR UMUNNA,I have to tell you

that your admission – tantamount

to a boast about how ‘cool’

you are – that you occasionally

smoked marijuana during your

youth has sickened me to my

stomach.Yo ur self-serving and

mealy-mouthed claims that you

now ‘regret’ what you did asa

teenage club DJ are worthless.

Is it the offence for which you are

sorry, or the fact that you have

been found out? I think we all

know the answer to that question.

Thousands of innocent people are

slain each year by the drug cartels

of South America andYOU,Mr

Umunna, must shoulder a hefty

proportion of the blame

for each and every one of those

countless tragic deaths. I realise

that you may not now be the man

you were as a youth, but were

I to show leniency to you in my

court, I would be setting a terrible

example to the young people

who may – like you – think it is

somehow ’cool’ to get themselve

mixed up in this despicable and

murderous trade.”

“UMUNNA,you will go to prison

for two years, and you may

consider yourself fortunate that

your sentence is not much longer

Take him down”

“MISS LEADSOM, last month

you candidly admitted that

you smoked marijuana whilst

you were a student atWarwick

University in the 1980s. As

someone who has a lot to lose

by coming clean about such an

issue, your bravery in standing up

and acknowledging this difficult

episode from your past life does

you great credit. Whilst I do not in

y condone what you did,

onesty in coming clean

his short-lived, insignificant

e during the course of

therwise exemplary career,

you great credit. In your

statement,

you also made clear that you

never took cocaine or other

Class-A drugs, and as a ‘glass

half full’ man, I would rather

praise a person for the positive

aspects of their character than

condemn them for insignificant,

youthful indiscretions carried out

under no doubt intolerable peer

pressure from ruthless junkies

like Chuka Umunna.”

“MISSLEADSOM,you have

suffered enough.Put this episode

behind you and move forward

with your glittering career.”

INNOCENTUNTILPROVENGUILTY?

Theoretical shame of MPs under drug

rumour cloud

F

ORevery politician who admits a shame-filled history with

drugs, there are many more who are keeping their narcotic-

fuelledhistoriesunderwraps.Orhaveneverdonedrugs.So,just

for fun, it’s time to speculate on just what these squeaky clean

MPs may be keeping hidden from the Great British electorate.

Once again, Judge Littlejohn will pass sentence for a shameful

catalogue of shocking – yet entirely hypothetical – drugs crimes

committed by our above-the-law politicians.

DEFENDANT: Keir Starmer /PARTY: Labour

FICTITIOUSOFFENCE:Possession of 3 packs of

Boots own-brand paracetemol

FICTITIOUSVERDICT:Guilty

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP:“Mr Starmer, you stand in the dock of my cour

and maintain that you do not believe that the possession of 3 packets of proprietart

headache tablets is a criminal offence. y

Yet, as the former Attorney General, I am in no

doubtthatyouknowforafactthatitisagainstthelawtopurchasemorethantwopackets

of these powerful and dangerous drugs at any one time.

than a craven tissue of lies that demonstrates your Your defence is nothing more

ruthless arrogance and contempt for

therule of law. I have no hesitation in making an example of you, to deter others who

thinktheycangetawaywithbuyingmorethantwopacketsofheadachetabletsatonce.”

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE:“Mr Starmer, you will go to prison for life, with the

recommendationthatyouserveatleastthirty-fiveyearsbeforebeingconsideredforparole.”

DEFENDANT:Jo Swinson /PARTY: Lib Dems

FICTITIOUSOFFENCE:Possession of opioids

FICTITIOUSVERDICT:Guilty

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP:“Miss Swinson, you and your expert witnesses

claim that the opioid residues found on the top of your desk in the House of Commons

werefromaMarks&Spencerspoppyseedbunthatyouhadeatenforyourlunch.Itisan

excusethat,ifitdidn’tdemonstrateyourarrantcontemptfortheprocessoflaw,wouldbe

franklylaughable.ThefactthatyousmuggledClassAdrugsintothehallowedhallsofthe

Mother ofParliaments shows that you are notfit to hold public office.”

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE:“Miss Swinson, as you are a new mother and this

isyourfirstoffence,Iamgoingtoshowleniency.Youare

and will serve a three-year suspended sentence, during which you will wear an anklefinedfifteenthousandpounds

tag and be forbidden from venturing within 250 yards of the Houses of

Parliament.”

DEFENDANT: Jeremy Corbyn /PARTY: Labour

FICTITIOUSOFFENCE:Operating a marijuana

FICTITIOUSVERDICT: Farm

Guilty

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Mr Corbyn, you stand before this court

convicted ofrunning a marijuana farm in the polytunnel greenhouse on your Islington

allotment, passing the offending plants off to anyone who spotted them as innocent

tomatoes. Indeed, so well-orchestrated was your audacious scheme that you even

disguisedtheoffendingplantsinyourgrow-bagstonotonlylookandsmelllikeinnocent

tomato plants, but also to bear the same juicy red fruits.”

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE:“MrCorbyn,youareanoldman,andaccordingto

recent newspaper reports not in the best of health.Yo

although it is my belief that it is highly likely that you may never taste freedom again.”u will go to prison for eight years,

DEFENDANT: Sajid Javid /PARTY: Conservative

FICTITIOUSOFFENCE:Possession of drugs with intent to

supply, plusfirearms offences

FICTITIOUSVERDICT: Guilty

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP:“Mr Javid, this court has heard how more

than 200kg of uncut heroin, along with 100 tubs of Vim, eight sub-machine guns and

a machete, were found in your parliamentary office in the Department of Housing,

Communities and Local Government. Whilst in general I take a dim view of this kind

of activity, it is clear that your intent was to ‘cut’ the heroin in order to make it less

potent.Were it not for this mitigating factor, and your clear concern for the wellbeing

of your junkie customers, you can rest assured that you would

deeper trouble than that in which you already find yourself in much

find yourself. As for thefirearms found in

your desk, the narcotics trade is a notoriously violent one, and I am satisfied that this

impressive arsenal was only maintained in the interests of your own defence.”

JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE: “As this is only your third or fourth offence, I am

prepared to discharge you on condition that you visit a duly appointed probation officer

everysecondWednesday,PrimeMinister’sQuestionTimepermitting,forthenextthree

months.”

JUSTICE!

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SUMMING UP

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SENTENCE

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SUMMING UP

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SENTENCE

*attimeofgoingtopress