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Daily Mail, Thursday, August 1, 2019Cushy jail that’s like a Caribbean
cruise... but with bigger cabins
SPAGHETTI OF THE NIGHT: Safina
the infant elephant was trying to
twirl up mouthfuls of long grass
and making a mess of it, on
Animal Babies (BBC2). It’ll be
months before she gets the
hang. Don’t laugh... remember
the first time you tried to wrap
pasta on a fork.J
AIls are great places
to shoot a documen-
tary. so are cruise ships.
What could promise us
better telly than a
combination of the two?
Jurby Prison isn’t actually on a
ship, but it might as well be. the
only functioning prison on the Isle
of Man and built at a cost of
£41.7 million, it offers its clientele a
gym, games room, freedom to stroll
on the decks or ‘landings’ all day,
and spacious accommodation —
much roomier than the average
cabin on a holiday liner.
It’s popular with courting couples,
featuring wings for men and women
who can mix during visiting time.
Many people like it so much they
come to stay with their families.
Hardly surprising that the show is
called The Best Little Prison In
Britain? (ItV).
Not everyone approves of the laid-
back atmosphere: the jail’s head of
security, Margo Cain, complained:
‘the world’s gone soft, it’s all nicey
nicey. In here, they’ve got no worries
about bills, they haven’t got to
worry about the wife.. .’
If you fancy a break, no need to
book — one chap was inside for
hitting his mum over the head with
a rolled up magazine, and another
for chucking a glass of water over
his wife. even having a row in the
street can get you nicked on the
Isle of Man.
this was all amiable and jaunty,and stephen Fry’s voiceover very
carefully neglected to mention that
Jurby was criticised by the chief
inspector of prisons in 2011: its
‘lack of bureaucracy’ and ‘too cas-
ual approach’ led to violent bully-
ing and a rampant drugs problem.
In fact, doing time on the island
hasn’t always been like a Carib-
bean cruise — not that you’d learn
it from this show. the former prison
on Victoria road in the capital
Douglas was a bleak fortress of
slate and turrets, with a reputation
for being haunted.
In cells three and four, unquiet
spirits banged on the ceilings in
the night. Prisoners slept with
Bibles under their bed to ward off
demons. Now that would make a
juicy documentary.
the closest we got to a glimpse of
Jurby’s reality came after inmate
Goldie, a man with ‘thug life’
tattooed across his beer belly, tried
to conduct his own courtroom
defence. Charged with actual
bodily harm, he talked himself into
a five-year sentence.
Goldie had been happy to play
along with the documentary team,The Best Little Prison In Britain? HHIII
Our Cops In The North HHHHICHRISTOPHER
STEVENS
LAST NIGHT’S TV
flirting with his wife (also a
prisoner) and joshing with the
prison guards. He was preparing
for his trial by reading Forensics
For Dummies.
But when he heard his fate, he
looked appalled. Perhaps life in
Jurby jail isn’t as much fun as
this show pretends.
the excellent police documen-tary Our Cops In The North (BBC1)
has managed the mix of whimsy
and harsh reality far better.
Much of the final episode was
occupied with the hunt for
poachers and sheep rustlers.
One gang stole 360 lambs, worth
around £30,000. During a highly
organised operation, involving
gamekeepers, farmers andvolunteers, police swooped —
and caught two men with an air
rifle and a bag of rabbits.
Carefully treading a line
between farce and horror, this
was contrasted with the hunt for
two car-jackers who dragged a
19-year-old woman from her
vehicle at knife-point before
running her over.
still, the scales came down on
the side of humour. During the
Great Poacher stake-Out, one
constable stopped to investigate
a car parked in a rural lane.
‘steamy windows?’ he mused.
‘they’ll not be poachers.’ A
moment later, his suspicions
were confirmed.
the occupants, he reported,
were ‘a more aged couple’.TELEVISION
Churchill’s call for a ‘United States of
Europe’ through to today’s Brexit divisions.FILM CHOICES
Til Ex Do Us Part, 2.15pm, Ch5
ANNA VAN HOOFT stars as Claire, who
is determined to keep her lover, Kyle, for
herself after he decides to reconcile with
his wife after a trial separation. And part
of Claire’s plan is to announce that she’s
pregnant with Kyle’s baby...The Diary Of A Teenage Girl, 1am, Ch4
FRANK yet endearing
coming-of-age
comedy drama, with
a strong performance
from Brit Bel Powley
(pictured) as a bold
15-year-old who
becomes sexually
active (with her
mum’s boyfriend)
in San Francisco
during the
permissive Seventies.
Kristen Wiig co-stars
as her hippy mother.g,,CHANNEL 5
6.00 Milkshake! Peppa Pig (R) 6.15 Ben and
Holly’s Little Kingdom (R) 6.30 Olly the Little
White Van (R,HD) 6.35 Noddy (R,HD) 6.45
Fireman Sam (R,HD) 6.55 Thomas & Friends
(R,HD) 7.05 Shane the Chef (R,HD) 7.20 Peppa
Pig (R) 7.40 Top Wing (R,HD) 7. 5 5 Paw Patrol
(R,HD) 8.05 Digby Dragon (R,HD) 8.20 Little
Princess (R) 8.40 Shimmer and Shine (R,HD)
8.55 Floogals (R,HD) 9.10 Sunny Bunnies (R,HD)
9.15 Jeremy Vine (HD)
11.15 Bargain-Loving Brits by the Sea
(R,HD) Claire and Mark await a
celebrity guest at their B&B.
12.10 5 News Lunchtime (HD)
12.15 Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away!
(R,HD) High Court officer Kevin
Stokes faces a physical assault.
1.10 Access (HD)
1.15 Home and Away (AD,HD)
1.45 Neighbours (AD,HD)
2.15 Til Ex Do Us Part (2018) (12) ● (HD)
Premiere. Thriller, with Kelly
Sullivan and Anna Van Hooft.
See Critics’ Choice.
4.00 Friends (R,HD)
4.30 Friends (R,HD)
5.00 5 News (HD)
5.30 Neighbours (AD,R,HD) Dee decides
that she wants nothing more to do
with Andrea and Heather.
6.00 Home and Away (AD,R,HD)
Ryder is offered a job at Salt.
6.30 5 News Tonight (HD)7.00 Cricket on 5 (HD) England v
Australia. Action from the
opening day of the first Test in
the five-match Ashes series,
taking place at Edgbaston.
(Followed by 5 News Update)8.00 Britain’s Parking Hell (HD) New
series. Documentary about the
daily battles for parking spaces.
Basildon locals are up in arms
after being caught out on camera
at a high-tech high-street car
park. (Followed by 5 News Update)9.00 M&S: Past Its Sell-By Date? (HD)
The inner workings of the famous
retailer, which set the standard
for quality clothing and
introduced the UK to everything
from chicken Kievs to Percy Pig.10.00 Portillo: The Trouble with the
Tories (HD) Part one of two.
Michael Portillo examines divisions
within the Conservative Party.
See Critics’ Choice.11.15 Freddie Mercury: The Greatest
Showman (R,HD) A profile of the
Queen frontman, one of the most
charismatic and flamboyant
performers in music history,
featuring contributions from his
friends, collaborators and fans.12.45 Criminals: Caught on Camera (HD)
1.10 The 21.co.uk Live Casino Show
(HD) 3.15 Gotham: Rise of the Villains
(AD,R,HD) 4.00 OMG! My Barbie
Body (BSL,R,HD) 4.45 House Doctor
(BSL,R) 5.10 Great Artists (BSL,R)
5.35 Wildlife SOS (BSL,R)(^) ▲ Particularly liable to offend
WELSH TV VARIATIONS
BBC1: 11.45am Weatherman Walking: The Welsh
Coast. Derek Brockway walks from Abersoch to
Pwllheli on the Llyn Peninsula. 1.30pm BBC Wales
Today; Weather. 6.30 BBC Wales Today; Weather.
10.25 BBC Wales Today; Weather. 10.35 Saving
Britain’s Worst Zoo. The zoo owners’ try to capture
their escaped lynx. 11.15 Murdered by My Boyfriend.
12.15am Who Do You Think You Are? 1.15 BBC News.
S4C: 6.00am Cyw. 12noon Newyddion S4C a’r
Tywydd. 12.05 Ffasiwn Bildar. 12.30 Heno. 1.30
Requiem. 2.00 Newyddion S4C a’r Tywydd. 2.05
Prynhawn Da. 3.00 Newyddion S4C a’r Tywydd.
3.05 Dafydd Iwan: Y Prins a Fi. 4.00 Awr Fawr:
Shwshaswyn. 4.10 Awr Fawr: Jen a Jim Pob Dim.
4.25 Awr Fawr: Wibli Sochyn y Mochyn. 4.35 Awr
Fawr: Sion y Chef. 4.45 Awr Fawr: Blero yn Mynd
i Ocido. 5.00 Stwnsh. 6.00 Newyddion S4C a’r
Tywydd. 6.15 Artig: Mor o Blastig. 6.30 Heno.
7.00 Eisteddfod Genedlaethol 2019. 7. 5 5 Sgorio.
10.00 Cyfres Triathlon Cymru. 10.35 Pethe: Y
Babell Len. 11.35 Hansh. 12.05am Stiwdio Gefn.
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CHOICE
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