- The Guardian
Tuesday 30 July 2019 5
Pamela
Stephenson
Connolly is
a US-based
psychotherapist
who specialises
in treating sexual
disordersSexual healing
Pamela
Stephenson
Connolly
might reject him’
It has also helped explain some
of his actions to his wife. “I have
become acutely aware of how
obsessed I become over things,
something that has caused issues
with my wife. She understands now
that sometimes it’s easier just to let
them run their course.”
“One of the characteristics of ASD
can be [that the person has] two
characters,” says Tony Attwood,
a clinical psychologist and expert on
Asperger syndrome. “They are able
to socialise in a work environment,
but it’s very arduous and exhausting.
When they come home, they want
isolation to recover, or to recover by
engaging in their special interest –
but their partner often feels left out
of their life.”
Generalisations only go so far, but
Attwood says he has seen common
themes in the confl icts that can
occur. “The person with autism
may not read the signals when their
partner needs aff ection, consoling or
compassion, and may not respond
as anticipated, which then leads the
neurotypical person feeling that theMany relationships are long and
happy, says Attwood – “but often
there have been adjustments to
what to expect in the relationship”.
Counselling can help with this,
but only if the counsellor has
experience of dealing with autism.
There are also organisations, such as
Diff erent Together , that help support
partners of those with Asperger’s.
“I actually think there’s an
argument that autistic women
are really great when married to
neurotypical men,” says Laura
James, the author of Odd Girl Out,
a memoir about being diagnosed
with ASD in her 40s, and an
ambassador for the National Autistic
Society. “Men in relationships often
say: ‘I don’t know what my wife
wants me to say’ or ‘If I upset her,
she says everything is fi ne when
I know it’s not.’ Autistic women tend
to be – although I can’t speak for
everyone – quite straightforward
and honest. When I was in the
dating stage of my life, if I fancied
someone, I’d tell them, whereas
everybody else was playing games.”
Equally, she says, she isn’t off ended
by her neurotypical husband’s
straight talking.
She says she is not “the most
romantic person”, which has not
been an issue in her marriage,
but probably was in previous
relationships. “I think it caused
problems when I was younger ...
boyfriends dumped me because
they thought I didn’t like them.”
Her diagnosis has helped her and
her husband to understand her
behaviour. In situations, such as
in hospital or on a plane, where
there was simultaneously a sensory
overload and a lack of control,
“I would have epic meltdowns” –
once she almost grounded a fl ight
because of it. “I think it was a little
tiresome for him when he didn’t
have any idea about why I would be
behaving like that.”
And she hasn’t ever been able to
engage in arguments, she says. “He
has had to adapt that behaviour.
Rather than getting very angry
about something, he has learned
to sit down and say: ‘This doesn’t
really work for me,’ and I’m able to
respond to that.”
Karen and David now do things
diff erently to make sure everybody
is happy. Karen says he is more open
and trusting now. “For a long time,
he thought he was, in his words,
‘broken’, but he didn’t want to let
on to the world, or to me because he
thought I might reject him.”
Other changes they have made
include not sitting down to meals
together – which can be too stressful
for David and their two children,
both of whom have been diagnosed
with ASD – and favouring planning
over spontaneity. “We have
proved that, with hard work and
understanding, you can get there,”
says Karen. PHOTOGRAPHS: NICKI FIETZER/DE NUEVA PHOTOGRAPHY; PROVIDED BY KAREN AND DAVID; GETTY (POSED BY MODELS)Write to us
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see gu.com/
letters-termsMy husband and I love each
other, but we have forgotten
how to fl irt and be intimate
I am in love with my
husband and I believe
he is in love with me.
However, we are very bad
at fl irting. A touch, a kiss or
a compliment seem to go
unseen. I have been open
that I would like to have
more sex. He says simply
that he would, too, but the
eff ort doesn’t follow. It is
starting to aff ect my self-
esteem, as I long to feel
wanted. I feel as though he
doesn’t fancy me. How do
I get him interested again?Think about your life together
now and how it may have changed
from when you fi rst met. Marriage
involves a partnership in many
ways besides sex , but too often all
those other things make it hard for
couples to be lovers. Who we are in
the context of our partner is very
important. If we become, fi rst and
foremost, “the breadwinner ”, “the
house-keeper ” or “the business
pa r t ner ”, it ca n be ver y d i ffi cult to
switch roles and summon erotic
f e e l i n g s. I t i s v i t a l t o fi nd t i me to be
together as lovers. This often means
turning off all devices and going
out somewhere that feels romantic
to you both. Make space and time
for lovemaking without any chance
of interruption. And remember
to build into your week relaxing
elements such as meditation or
yoga. You both know how to fl irt.
You just need time and space to
fl i c k t h a t s w i t c h b a c k o n.typical person feeling that theAmy Schumer ...
talked about her
husband’s diagnosisother person may not care. They do
care, but they’re not good at reading
the signals.” The partner with ASD,
meanwhile, may “need less frequent
and intense expressions of aff ection.
There may be an imbalance in the
relationship between what one
partner needs and what the other is
expected to give.”
Again, it is a generalisation, but
Attwood says partners with ASD tend
to be loyal and honest. “The person
is very kind in many ways and very
caring, but may have a diff erent
way of showing it.” A 2010 study
published in the British Journal of
Special Education (and referred to
by the National Autistic Society )
interviewed young autistic people
and found that many said that, when
they were younger, they would have
benefi ted from more education
about how relationships work.
In March, the comedian Amy
Schumer talked about her husband,
Chris Fischer, and his ASD diagnosis,
in her Netfl ix standup special. “All
the characteristics that make it
clear that he is on the spectrum are
all of the reasons that I fell madly
in love with him,” she says in her
show. “He says whatever is on
his mind. He keeps it so real. He
doesn’t care about social norms,
or what you expect him to say or
do ... he can’t lie. Is that the dream
man?” Interviewed later about his
diagnosis, she said: “It has been
totally positive ... The tools that we
have been given have made his life
so much better and our marriage and
our life more manageable, so I just
wanted to encourage people to not
be afraid of that stigma.”РЕЛИЗ ПОДГОТОВИЛА ГРУППА "What's News" VK.COM/WSNWS