hen we hear the word ‘love’, we automatically
think of romantic and sexual relationships.
In Western society, from fi lms, books, TV
and social media, we are delivered a daily diet of frisson,
fl irtation and infatuation to encompass the complexities
of love. Being single is still bound up with intense cultural
anxiety, based on a commercialised model of human
desire that is elusive. When sexual desire is used to sell
everything from clothes and food to washing machines,
we gain a very singular, limiting view of the many other
fulfi lling facets of love. Ancient Greek philosophers found
the emotion so profound, intricate and varied that they
defi ned many types. Eros – sexual passion that is often
fl eeting – is just one.Find the words
In modern times, we have few healthy references to
varying forms of love in our popular culture. The aim
of psychotherapy is to help us live our life with a sense of
positivity and healing, and to love. It provides us with a
di erent kind of emotional vocabulary, through which
we can give and receive many kinds of love that are
enduring and profound.
‘I think it’s a pitfall to think of one type of love as the best
kind of love,’ says Divine Charura, therapist, senior lecturer
and co-author of Love And Therapy (Taylor & Francis,
£24.99). Our ideas and expectations around romanticlove tend to come through our
upbringing and socialisation, rather than our intrinsic
nature, he warns in this month’s talking therapies podcast.
As both a psychotherapist and consultant psychologist,
Charura is concerned that the media’s trivialisation of
love misses fundamental aspects of its power to have
an impact on our bodies as well as our minds: ‘In extreme
cases, when someone dies, their partner can die of a
“broken heart”,’ he explains. ‘And, when comparing brain
scans of someone who is in love with someone who is
addicted to cocaine, the brain patterns are very similar.’
In order for our limbic system to develop – the part of
our brain that processes sensory experiences and regulates
emotions – we also need to be in a healthy relationship with
the wider world, he says. ‘We are wired for relationships
and community from the moment we are born.’ In fact,
an Age UK study revealed that loneliness in older people
is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
‘Love for and with humanity is absolutely central to
our wellbeing and survival. I don’t think we have enough
of it, but I am thankful that we have glimpses of it – for
example, when we had the atrocious terror attacks in
London and people lined up to give blood to victims.’
Instead of prioritising romantic love, we should start
with self-love, says Charura, as it enables us to have the
capacity to love others and to be lovable. ‘In order to
understand the importance of self-love, consider thoseHow can therapy help us with the real-life challenges
that affect all our lives? This issue, Professor Sarah
Niblock, CEO of the UK Council for Psychotherapy,
explores the power of love, in all its many guisesWhat’s love got
to do with it?
42 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINEAPRIL 2020
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