Psychologies UK 04.2020

self

54 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE APRIL 2020

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES

I would previously have dodged. I can’t

say any of it fills me with joy but it does

help me see how controlled my life is and

how little room there is for spontaneity.

Week

two

Do as I do

I’m back online with

Christina and Gavin and

this week we’re exploring what we like in

people and what annoys us. You don’t stay

single for 10 years without doing some

serious thinking about the sort of qualities

you want to find in a partner, but it was

good to be reminded of some of the actions

that I find exasperating, including not

being asked questions about myself, when

someone expects me to be free at the last

minute and always on their schedule, and

a lack of physical affection.

Then Christina and Gavin ask: Do you

recognise any of these traits in yourself?

I am furious at this question for a few

days. Don’t they know how much I put

myself out to be friendly and inquisitive

on a date? How I listen to someone else

talk about themselves for hours, asking

prompt question after prompt question?

How I’ll move my schedule around to

ensure we find time to meet in person,

rather than engage in prolonged texting?

I can’t believe they would suggest I’d

behave in such a way!

It’s only after three days of this tirade

going around and around in my head that

I realise a little part of me would quite like

to behave this very way. I love telling funny

stories about my life. The idea of having

someone who will fit themselves around

my timetable sounds like bliss. Perhaps the

reason I’m so angry is that, actually, I want

to behave like some of the men I date.

Week

three

I’m OK

Halfway through the

course and we examine

archetypes, specifically the ones that

show up in our love lives. I know that

in my long-term relationship, I was the

rescuer archetype and it’s something

I’m sure I want to avoid going forward,

but this exercise reminds me that it’s

not a negative aspect of my personality.

Being there for people when they need

you is a key part of a relationship, you

just need to balance it with boundaries.

I also look at my tendency to fall into

the judge archetype: I can be judgmental

and quick to dismiss people if I don’t feel

they meet my standards and I know that

has hindered my dating life – but I am

also reminded that being clear about

what I want from someone and having

a desire for more from a partner isn’t

necessarily a bad thing. I just might have

to give them a bit more time to show me

who they are. For the first time in a while,

I start to feel as if my instincts around

men might not be as bad as I feared.

Then I meet someone.

Week

four

And... bump!

To be honest, it takes me

a few weeks to get around

to week four. I’m too busy being drunk

on love and excited about the future. It’s

only when things start to get tricky that

I remember what The Groundwork has

taught me. Dates are rescheduled at the

last minute, conversations pass without

a ‘how was your day?’ and I feel desperate

for a hug. Try as I might, I can’t shake

the feeling that something isn’t right.

Should I stay or should I go?

I check in to week four and this time

it’s about noticing the feelings in your

body. Gavin and Christina take us

through a series of exercises and

meditations to encourage physical

awareness. I can’t quite see the use of it

until a few days later, when I recognise

a sinking feeling in my stomach at yet

another cancelled date; a nervousness

in my chest when we do meet up; and,

finally, the relief when I realise that

Mr Right on paper isn’t right in reality.

Week

five

Tales we tell

It turns out that week five

of The Groundwork is

perfect if you’ve just broken up with

someone. Arriving to the course on

a cloud of righteousness, determined

to believe that his behaviour was

unacceptable and I was a martyr who

nearly sacrificed herself on his altar,

week five has me questioning exactly

what happened. I write down the details

of the break-up as Gavin and Christina

suggest. I look at what he actually did

and the story I made up about that.

The reality is that he is a busy man,

the story I made up about that was that he

wasn’t interested in investing time in me.

Maybe that story was true and maybe it

wasn’t. Simply admitting I’ll never know

makes me feel better. As Gavin and

Christina explain, stories pop up when

we’re not getting what we want and need. I

wasn’t getting the support and attention

I craved but that doesn’t mean the story I

made up about it was true.

“

“

I know I am the

rescuer archetype

and it’s something

I want to avoid,

but this exercise

reminds me that it’s

not a negative aspect

of my personality

“

Dates are

rescheduled at

the last minute,

conversations

pass without a

‘how was your day?’

and I feel desperate

for a hug

“