of your life,” now forever lost. Sometimes you do try to resume the
relationship, starting a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing.
Other times, even if the other person is available, you don’t make an
attempt to get back together but continue all the same to think about him or
her incessantly.
This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships,
because it acts as a deactivating strategy, blocking you from getting close to
someone else. Even though you’ll probably never get back together with
your phantom ex, just the knowledge that they’re out there is enough to
make any new partner seem insignificant by comparison.
THE POWER OF “THE ONE”
Have you ever gone out with someone whom you think is amazing, but as
you start to get closer, you become overwhelmed with the feeling that s/he
isn’t actually so hot after all? This can even happen after you’ve gone out
with someone for a considerable amount of time or very intensively, all the
while believing that s/he is the one, when all of a sudden you experience a
chilling effect. You start to notice she has a weird way of eating, or that his
nose blowing infuriates you. You end up discovering that after the initial
exhilaration, you feel suffocated and need to take a step back. What you
don’t realize is that this surge of negativity could in fact be a deactivating
strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs.
Not wanting to look inward—and believing that we all have the same
capacity for intimacy—you conclude that you’re just not in love enough
and so pull away. You partner is crushed and protests, but this only
strengthens your conviction that s/he is not “the one.” Moving from one
date to the next, you begin this vicious cycle over and over, believing all
along that once you find “the one,” you’ll effortlessly connect on a totally
different level.