need intimacy despite your discomfort with it. If you thought
s/he was great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by
pushing him or her away.
- De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.
When your partner feels s/he has a secure base to fall back
on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and
when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll
both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.
You’ll become more independent and your partner will be
less needy. (See more on the “dependency paradox” in
chapter 2).
- Find a secure partner. As you will see in chapter 7, people
with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and
avoidant partners more secure as well. Someone with an
anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate your
avoidance—often in a perpetual vicious cycle. Given a
chance, we recommend you choose the secure route. You’ll
experience less defensiveness, less fighting, and less
anguish.
- Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions
infuse bad vibes into the relationship. Change this pattern!
Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, and look
for a more plausible perspective. Remind yourself that this is
your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe
you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests
at heart.
- Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a
daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner
or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you have an
avoidant attachment style. Your objective should be to notice
the positive in your partner’s actions. This may not be an
easy task, but with practice and perseverance, you’ll
gradually get the hang of it. Take time every evening to think
back on the events of the day. List at least one way your
