partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being,
and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.- Nix the phantom ex. When you find yourself idealizing that
one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she
is not (and never was) a viable option. By remembering how
critical you were of that relationship—and how leery you
were of committing—you can stop using him or her as a
deactivating strategy and focus on someone new. - Forget about “the one.” We don’t dispute the presence of
soul mates in our world. On the contrary, we wholeheartedly
believe in the soul mate experience. But it is our belief that
you have to be an active party in the process. Don’t wait
until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then
expect everything to fall into place. Make them into your
soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them
to get close (using the strategies we offer in this chapter) and
making them a special part of you. - Adopt the distraction strategy. As an avoidant, it’s easier
to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction (remember
the experiment with a distraction task). Focusing on other
things—taking a hike, going sailing, or preparing a meal
together—will allow you to let your guard down and make it
easier to access your loving feelings. Use this little trick to
promote closeness in your time together.
For additional avoidance-busting tips, see chapter 8.