wife, Karen Dion, a psychology professor at the University of Toronto, they
followed over one hundred university students who were in dating
relationships over a four-month period. They found that secure individuals
maintained high levels of relationship satisfaction, commitment, and trust.
In contrast, insecure individuals reported decreasing levels of all three over
the same four months.
But what happens when secure and insecure interact? In a separate
experiment, researchers got observers to rate couples’ functioning during a
joint interaction. It’s no surprise that secure couples—those in which both
partners were secure—functioned better than insecure couples—those in
which both partners were either anxious or avoidant. But what was more
interesting was that there was no observed difference between secure
couples and “mixed” couples— those with only one secure partner. They
both showed less conflict and were rated as better functioning than were the
“insecure” dyads.
So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in
relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to
raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to
their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if
you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.
TELL ME, IS IT MAGIC?
What is it about people with a secure attachment style that creates this
“magical” effect on their relationships? Are secures always the most
friendly, likable, or sociable people around? Can you recognize them on the
basis of their charm, composure, or self-confidence? The answer to all these
questions is no. As with the other attachment styles, personality or physical
traits won’t give secures away. Secure people fit almost every description
across the personality spectrum:
- Aaron, 30, a chemical engineer, is an introvert with a strong dislike
of social events. He spends most of his free time working, reading,
or with his brothers and parents and finds it hard to make new
connections. He had his first sexual experience two years ago.