ask about his ex”—giving the wrong people a second, third, or fourth
chance.
In Tanya’s case, she’d seen enough and found it pointless to move
forward with men she could tell were unable to meet her emotional needs.
But in case of doubt, one of the tools most frequently used by people with a
secure attachment style is effective communication—they simply surface
their feelings and see how their date reacts. If their partner shows true
concern for their well-being and a willingness to find a middle ground,
they’ll give the relationship a chance. If not, they won’t stick around to
fight what they believe to be a losing battle (see chapter 11).
Finding the Right Partner—the Secure Way
The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the
right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure
attachment style. They include:- Spotting “smoking guns” very early on and treating them as
deal breakers. - Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
- Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!)
potential partners who could make you happy. - Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a
partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures
acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather
than about themselves. - Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.