conflict occurs, enter the new information. This will help in your quest to
break your insecure patterns. But moving toward security is not only about
tackling problems in your relationship; it’s also about having fun together.
Find ways to enjoy your time together as a couple—a walk in the park, a
movie and dinner, watching a TV show that you both like—and make time
to be physically close. Shedding your insecure working model will do
wonders for your ability to function in the world at large. Dr. Sue Johnson,
the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) has
demonstrated through her clinical work and writings that creating true
security in the relationship and recognizing that you are emotionally
dependent on your partner on every level is the best way to improve your
romantic bond.
When you build a secure relationship, both individuals win: If you are the
anxious partner, you get the closeness you crave, and if you’re the avoidant
partner, you’ll enjoy much more of the independence you need.
WHAT IF THE GOAL OF SECURITY IS NOT REACHED?
What happens if despite your efforts to move your relationship away from
“the trap” and the vicious insecure cycle, you are unable to do so? This can
happen either because there is no genuine wish to change on the part of one
or both partners or your attempts fail. We believe that when people are in an
anxious-avoidant relationship, especially when they are unable to move to
greater security, these discrepancies will always be a part of their lives and
will never completely disappear. But we also strongly believe that
knowledge is power. And it can be very valuable to know that your ongoing
struggles as a couple are not because either of you is crazy, but rather
because your relationship has a built-in clash that is not going to go away.
One of the most important benefits of this insight has to do with your
self-perception. Intimacy clashes are very destructive for the non-avoidant
partner, who is constantly being pushed away by the avoidant partner. We
can see this happening in the examples we cite throughout the book, in
behaviors such as maintaining a high degree of secrecy and then blaming
the other person of being jealous and needy, in preferring separate beds, and