10.

When Abnormal Becomes the Norm: An Attachment Guide to

Breaking Up

Clay and Tom were enjoying a romantic dinner on their anniversary. Clay
was gazing lovingly at Tom, when out of nowhere Tom snapped: “What the
hell are you staring at? Stop staring, it’s really annoying.” Clay wanted to
get up and leave but restrained himself. He said nothing, and they finished
their dinner in silence.

Throughout their hiking trip in Guatemala, instead of walking side by
side and sharing the adventure, Gary would walk ahead of Sue,
occasionally making snide comments about how lazy and incompetent she
was for walking so slowly.

After Pat finished giving her husband the “no reciprocation” sexual treat
he asked for, he said, “That was awesome—and the greatest thing about it
was that it could have just been anyone, a complete stranger. That’s hot.”
Pat felt as though she’d been punched in the stomach.

In the previous chapter, we discussed problems arising from the anxious-
avoidant clash and possible ways to resolve these issues. In some cases,
however, even repeated efforts to improve the situation fail, and the
interaction between these two attachment styles can become truly harmful.
Unfortunately, in these cases, anxious and avoidant people can bring out the
worst in each other. “Abnormal” becomes the norm.
A common view is that only masochistic, “pathetic” people would
tolerate such bad treatment, and that if they are willing to put up with it