9781529032178

Monique and Greg have been going out for a couple of months, and the
Fourth of July is around the corner. Monique plans to celebrate the event
with a group of friends, but she hasn’t invited Greg to join her, at least not
yet. Greg is becoming more and more upset by this. He’s worried about
what this means. Does Monique only see him as someone temporary in her
life? Perhaps she’s embarrassed by him and doesn’t want to introduce him
to her friends? Greg doesn’t want to confront her directly for fear it will
make him seem too eager and needy. Instead he decides to throw out hints:
“I’m not sure yet what I should do on the Fourth. I’ve had a few offers, but
I can’t decide if any of them are worthwhile.” In fact, he doesn’t have other
plans, but he doesn’t want to sound like he’s fishing for an invitation.
Monique doesn’t pick up on his cues; she assumes he really is sizing up his
options and tries to help out. At this point Greg decides to just give up,
thinking that if, after all these hints, Monique still chooses not to invite him,
she obviously doesn’t want him to come. Anger builds up inside him and he
decides he will have to think long and hard about whether Monique is really
the girl for him.
But what if Greg used effective communication? He has an anxious
attachment style, and the kind of dialogue required by effective
communication does not come naturally to him. He is more accustomed to
turning to protest behavior. He decides, however, to take a different
approach. He turns to Monique: “I’d like to spend the Fourth of July
together. Would you like to come with me and my friends or would you
prefer that I join you?” Monique responds that she hadn’t thought of
inviting him because spending an evening with her old crowd from high
school didn’t sound like the kind of thing he’d enjoy, but if he was game,
why not? A simple question got Greg the answer that he wanted. Even more
significantly, after that first successful precedent, they both find it easier to
talk openly to each other.
What if Monique responded differently and Greg’s request had been
rebuffed? As always with effective communication, you win either way.
Even if Monique had ignored his request and quickly changed the subject,
he would have learned something very telling. A red flag based on reality—
and not on Greg’s anxious assumptions—would have been raised about
Monique’s ability to respond to his needs and sensitivities. We’re not
suggesting that Greg should leave Monique immediately if she reacted in